How do you tell someone about your phobia and ask for support?

[odette]

Does anyone have a good strategy regarding how to tell someone about your phobia and ask for support?

I mean, especially when it seems that they don't even really 'get it' regarding how genuinely scared you really are.

Any advice would be helpful.

Please.

 

[fromyesterday]

I don't think anyone will really "get it" unless they're going through the same thing. They can empathize, sure, so maybe as long as they're supportive it's a good thing?

If you're talking about dentists themselves I actually emailed my last one and mentioned straight out that I hadn't been in awhile because of fear and I may have even mentioned what those fears were. Maybe you can say those things to whomever you want to tell and just say that you don't expect them to know exactly what it's like but you would appreciate their support.

I've been going consistently now and it's gotten soooo much easier. Not something I enjoy, of course, but I think one of the hardest things was making and keeping that first appointment.

 

[odette]

I meant like your support person, like a best friend or your partner.

In my case, I mean my boyfriend.

 

[April]

Hi Odette

You could write to him, explaining how you feel, your thoughts, fears etc and then show him this website ....

 

[odette]

He just doesn't understand why I can't just pick up and go.

I should make logical sense, I'm in pain, I should go to place and see the person who is trained to get me out of pain. I know, it makes logical sense.

And I know it must be hard on him to see me in pain as I try and make an attempt at brushing my teeth. He says I whimper like a cold, wet kitten.

All I want is to be left alone. I don't want him to keep bringing it up, informing me that he has called this or that practice or read this or that book/article about phobias or new dental techniques.

I get mad at him for losing his temper and yelling at me. And then he gets more mad and frustrated because he tells me he's just trying to care and just trying to help because he loves me and does not want me to suffer.

I don't know what to do anymore. At least when I felt supported by him, I was willing to, when no one was looking, pick up a book and research about phobias, etc.

Now I just feel trapped and he is yelling at me just like the dentist yells at me.

No one understands.

 

[April]

Oh dear!! You sound like my husband and I used to be, he isn't afraid of anything and is very black and white and hates it when he can't fix things.
Unfortunately after a few years of 'disagreements' I didn't talk about it, I pretended I wasn't in pain although cried and screamed in private which gave him the permission to pretend he believed me. This scenario continued for about 20 years which meant all that time my mouth was getting worse and I was in increasing pain, not eating, sleeping or smiling - the phobia was taking over my life.

In the end I had no choice but to do something about my teeth, my husband then became the best support I could have asked for and never left my side. He knew the list of things I did/didn't want and became my mouth piece for all the things I couldn't discuss with my dentist and his black and white approach meant there were no grey areas as far as the dentist was concerned - my husband also knew there would be consequences if he didn't do as I wanted

Truthfully, I was quite happy knowing my husband wouldn't make me go but it wasn't helping me. I just had to admit that his approach was what I needed, someone I trusted, gentle and honest but direct and supportive ....... I am now so grateful he did what he did as life is brilliant pain free.

Your boyfriend loves you and doesn't want to see you in pain and suffering which is why he gets angry and because of this is not going to let a dentist hurt or upset you .......

Talk to him and see if you can agree to your initial visit, let him become your protector.

It is a road full of bumps and you need to take baby steps but you can beat the phobia monster

 

[mghstl]

April is spot-on. Beautifully worded.
No one can walk in your shoes but you. So no one, not even another phobic like me, can truly understand EXACTLY how you feel. Like April, I have the most wonderful husband (who also sees things in black-or-white-only) who tried EVERYTHING to help me. For the first ten years of our marriage, I couldn't be in the same room with someone who even said the word "teeth". While I refused to discuss my problem with him, I desperately wanted him to magically fix it all for me. With his amazing support, I eventually DID IT. But even now, after seeing me thru every stage of this damned phobia, he doesn't completely "understand"...he'll sometimes make a comment about me being "cured", like I just had a minor cold or something. But it doesn't mean that he hasn't tried his darndest to give me his support. He's a guy and I'm a girl...that simple fact means neither of us will "understand" the other!
It does sound as if your boyfriend is doing his best and wants to help you. I would be so happy to hear that you use that support to tackle your dental issues. It does have to be YOU who does it. And, believe me, it can be done (see my journal) and it is SOOOO worth it. Nothing makes my husband happier than seeing me smile at him!
Good luck...and don't give up on him or yourself.

 

[snapper]

Does anyone have a good strategy regarding how to tell someone about your phobia and ask for support?

I mean, especially when it seems that they don't even really 'get it' regarding how genuinely scared you really are.

Any advice would be helpful.

Please.

Hi odette,
I dont think there is any clear strategy about how to tell someone about your worries and concerns. In my experience, not many people understand how we feel, unless they have experienced some degree of anxiety themselves during their lives. Some people are more sympathtic to the needs of others, some just dont want to know, and that includes dentists.
The support is knowing that people that care about you are willing to listen. They dont always understand and most of the time it's easier to say nothing. You ahould not have to put up with the discomfort you have described.
Good luck