I have extreme dental phobia, desperately need treatment but feel like I've ran out of support options, and need advice and support on what to do.

[sphmrx]

Hi everyone,
Forgive me if this is post is a little janky, I've never posted on a forum before, and don't really talk to anyone but immediate family about my dental phobia because it's just that hard for me to talk about. Even just typing this out is upsetting to me.

My name is Sophie, I'm 22 from the North East of England. I've had severe anxiety and panic disorder since being a kid, but I've only suffered with this specific phobia of dentists and dental treatment for years now, which is almost ironic as the dentist never ever frightened me as a little girl. There's a lot of backstory to this phobia so apologies for this being a long post.

I had the same dentist until I was about 16, when way back during the first covid lockdown, that dentistry shut down and the subsequent dental crisis in England has left me without a dentist for years. As a result of having no dental care, I developed several fillings that have eventually spread, turned into root canals over the years and even caused me to lose two of my teeth. Currently, there are literally NO NHS dentists accepting adult patients within a 30 mile radius of where I live, as the crisis in the UK, particularly the North East, is that bad. And if anywhere does open up, within twenty minutes the positions are all filled and I'm back to square one.

Some years ago, when I was roughly about 19-20, I started having severe toothache that dominated my life. I had to deal with this severe pain for well over a year as there was literally nowhere to help me. I couldn't afford private healthcare, couldn't find an NHS dentist, and anywhere that offered urgent care only offered to take it out, not treat it, which wasn't what I wanted at the time - removing the tooth felt like a last resort. I had my first traumatic experience after I phoned 111 that left me too terrified to even consider phoning them again for help. I was referred for urgent care to an NHS dentist who treat me horribly. My anxiety has been severe for years, and it was no different at the time, and it was like this dentist took one look at me and decided I was nothing more than a crybaby. He immediately blamed me for the condition of my teeth, refusing to hear me out and making me feel horrible and like it was my fault I was in this much pain (when as an adult, I can look back and understand the main reason was that I hadn't had access to dental care in years. I didn't drink, smoke, vape, anything like that, I still don't, the worst thing I did was drink a lot of Pepsi Max which I cut out of my diet completely as soon as I found out it was making the tooth decay worse). Even now, I feel guilty and beat myself up if I even dare to eat something sugary. He said the most he could do for me was clean the plaque away from the root canal, which he did so by picking at it with some sort of tool which was absolute agony (I also had no painkillers to numb me or anything). He ridiculed me every time I sat up or moved my head away to try and take a break from the pain, and being extremely condescending. The most vivid thing I can remember is sobbing and sitting up to make him get out of my mouth, and him then saying to me: "Look, you're not ten years old anymore. You need to have this done. Stop making it harder than it needs to be." I also had a relative there that didn't stick up for me, and this dentist spoke to them instead of me, as if I were a three-year-old who wouldn't understand. It was incredibly traumatic and this was the start of my phobia.

Eventually, about a year later, in 2024, I managed to finally find an NHS dentist. They wouldn't do a root canal under sedation, and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it awake, but they did offer removing the tooth under sedation and by this point I was in so much constant pain that I didn't care anymore so accepted that treatment plan. This is where my second and arguably most traumatic experience happened. The day I went in, they wouldn't let me have my mum in with me (Who for the record, is incredibly supportive with my anxiety and is basically my advocate for when I'm too scared to be able to be that for myself), even though I was previously told she could be there. They put me under conscious sedation via. IV, but then it all went wrong. They numbed me but didn't give the drug chance to kick in, and I felt it all. I remember everything even now - crying hysterically in the chair, telling them it hurt, shaking my hands at them but too drugged up to actually fight back, and the dentists just told me it was pressure, it wasn't pain, but it absolutely was. I felt the tooth crack and then get yanked out and it was absolute agony, unlike anything I have ever experienced. I was essentially wide awake but my body was drugged, I couldn't walk properly because of the sedation but my mind was so alert because of the adrenaline, that I felt completely "conscious" and normal, as if I SHOULD have been able to walk. It was absolutely terrifying. I had every intention to file a formal complaint but a month after this, I lost one of the most important people in my life and it has set my mental health back miles. Because of this and that traumatic experience, I didn't file that complaint, and I gave up on fighting for dental care. It just got too hard to care about it anymore because my world had fallen apart.

In 2025, a few months ago, I reached a point where I couldn't ignore my ongoing dental problems anymore. I developed an abscess inside my tooth which was legitimately the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. I was almost writhing on the floor from pain with it. I was able to go to a private dentist who specialised in anxious patients, and she said she'd put me under sedation to take it out which would relieve the abscess too. We had a whole plan and I thought it was going to be okay - But then when I went under, it's like my body remembered what happened to me the last time I was under sedation in a dentist's chair, and went into fight or flight mode. I had a horrific panic attack, one of the worst I ever had, and the sedation made me feel worse because I couldn't use my body properly. I was having flashbacks in the chair of what happened to me the time before. My mum also couldn't be with me at the time so I felt even more unsafe.

The only thing that made it better than the time before, is that the dentist was as lovely as she could be, and it didn't hurt, but it traumatised me so much I've been unable to go back since to get the fillings I need. I've now got another toothache and suspect it will need to be taken out, and I have no idea how I'm expected to get through it, OR the other treatments I need. Every time I have tried to brave it, it's like I have been punished for it by an experience so traumatising, it's affected me for every day since. I'm terrified of going under conscious sedation again but I'm equally as terrified at being awake and knowing EXACTLY what's happening and actually seeing those tools. I just want the sedation to work. I just want to have it done, remember nothing, feel nothing and feel calm above anything else, but I feel like my body and mental state is just not compatible with it. I'm in a catch 22, I need the procedure, but I can't have it done either when awake or under sedation because both options terrify me. The only positives I can find are that I am going back to the same dental practice that specialises in anxious patients, and likely the same dentist, and that my mum can be with me this time. But neither of those things were enough in the past to keep me calm.

I guess I'm just posting to hear reassurance from people with a dental phobia as severe as this, who've managed to find a solution, particularly in the UK. Any suggestions would help. I've heard some people can get trial runs of sedation or diazepam to take before the appointment, and I think those could really help, the only issue is how much those things will cost. I've even heard some people going under anaesthetic but I have no idea how many dentists offer any of these ideas. Please please please offer other suggestions too that I've not thought of, that you think could help. I am so unbelievably scared, I just wish I could flick a switch and have the tooth disappear.

I should also mention that I'm seeking CBT therapy for this amongst other things, too, which should hopefully help me in the long term. I just need some more immediate suggestions to help me through this next week or so. Thank you so much to anyone who has read this far and/or leaves comments.

 

[krlovesherkids777]

Hello Sphmrx,
to DFC! Thank you for getting the courage to come on here and share your story. I am SO sorry what you went through! You have a lot of courage , strength and strong clarity and body awareness and maturity for everything you have been through.
"and it was like this dentist took one look at me and decided I was nothing more than a crybaby. He immediately blamed me for the condition of my teeth, refusing to hear me out and making me feel horrible and like it was my fault I was in this much pain" This is awful, such a cruel attitude , I've had a few similar dental experiences, very shaming, which is not at all one anyone needs and it just doesn't help anyone!
"He said the most he could do for me was clean the plaque away from the root canal, which he did so by picking at it with some sort of tool which was absolute agony (I also had no painkillers to numb me or anything). He ridiculed me every time I sat up or moved my head away to try and take a break from the pain, and being extremely condescending. The most vivid thing I can remember is sobbing and sitting up to make him get out of my mouth, and him then saying to me: "Look, you're not ten years old anymore. You need to have this done. Stop making it harder than it needs to be.""

Again that is horrible and so traumatic and unhelpful! and those words, they stick. so sorry. This is completely unacceptable! I say this coming from similar experiences. Too nowadays there are so many pain control options, even for lighter work the least they could do is give some kind of topical anesthetic to rub on and dull any sharp sensations. So many options.

They put me under conscious sedation via. IV, but then it all went wrong. They numbed me but didn't give the drug chance to kick in, and I felt it all. I remember everything even now - crying hysterically in the chair, telling them it hurt, shaking my hands at them but too drugged up to actually fight back, and the dentists just told me it was pressure, it wasn't pain, but it absolutely was. I felt the tooth crack and then get yanked out and it was absolute agony, unlike anything I have ever experienced. I was essentially wide awake but my body was drugged, I couldn't walk properly because of the sedation but my mind was so alert because of the adrenaline, that I felt completely "conscious" and normal, as if I SHOULD have been able to walk. It was absolutely terrifying.
Horrible.. I'm so sorry, You absolutely know the difference between pain and they should be able to read body language and you crying and shaking hands at them and telling them it hurt should have spoke loud and clear.

So sorry about the loss of the important person in your life, going through loss then this trauma sounds overwhelming!

"I was able to go to a private dentist who specialised in anxious patients, and she said she'd put me under sedation to take it out which would relieve the abscess too. We had a whole plan and I thought it was going to be okay - But then when I went under, it's like my body remembered what happened to me the last time I was under sedation in a dentist's chair, and went into fight or flight mode. I had a horrific panic attack, one of the worst I ever had, and the sedation made me feel worse because I couldn't use my body properly. I was having flashbacks in the chair of what happened to me the time before. My mum also couldn't be with me at the time so I felt even more unsafe."

This absolutely makes sense. Even though you were with someone safe your body does remember and reacts.. Have you ever read the book "The body keeps the score" ? I forget the last name but the authors first name is Bessel I believe, I have the book still somewhere because it was truly pivotal and just really connected with it.. It talks about this and how the body truly remembers the trauma and reacts. It takes months or even years sometimes for your body to learn safety over built momentum

I"m sorry I'm not in the UK so can't speak to that, but wondering if you can read reviews of dentist in the area and see if you can go in for a meet and greet to tell them of your anxiety and what you need and see if it's a fit. Even if you don't go there ultimately it gives you some exposure to help with baby steps going to a clinic knowing you aren't getting treated but just meeting them and that you are in control. and just taking baby steps like this can give you little momentum at a time and bits of control and fine tune that feeling of safety. Some times it's obvious if it is a safe office right away.

One version of therapy I found really helpful was somatic experiencing very in tuned with what you are feeling in your body and what your emotions are saying and how it all goes together. I can't tell you how much the therapist who did this helped me! so 1. Know you are an extremely courageous, strong and intelligent person , this is obvious to us! Give your self credit! 2. Take the baby steps and know you are in control, that control was taken from you in the past but it doesn't have to be in the future, you are aware now. 3. You are so not alone. 4. The body keeps the score is an amazing book you may find very helpful if you like to read . Sorry this is long. I hope you can hold on until you can feel safe and take one step at a time!

 

[sphmrx]

@krlovesherkids777 Thank you so much for your reply. You are so kind and made me feel so validated. I'm making a phone call today with a dentist so I'm hoping it's the first baby step I need. And I'll absolutely check out that book! I'm a big reader so I always feel anything like that helps me feel regulated and seen, if that makes sense!

 

[Yellowdaffodils]

Hi Sophie, sorry you’ve had such a terrible time. I also had an experience of anaesthetic not working and it took me ages to build up confidence that it would be ok. If you have a lovely dentist who can do the treatment so it doesn’t hurt, it sounds hopeful she could help. Sorry this may not be helpful now as it’s a while after you posted. After trying CBT, I use a hypnosis podcast (I just found it by chance, it’s by Adam Cox) from Spotify to get me in to the appointment and this has warded off full panic attacks. I’m not sure if you’ve tried this. I’ve no interest or particular liking for hypnosis or this kind of thing (!), but found it worked for the acute panic in the moment, to make things bearable. I start practising/listening about a week before the appointment and then focus fully on this and box breathing before and during. I also read through in my head or in a list, nice or reassuring comments from previous appointments (once I found nice dentist who could say kind things) or from myself (e.g. you’ve done really well to get here, ) to try to balance out the shaming ones in my mind or that dentists have said previously. I’ve had a positive experience of having a tooth out under LA (after the initial panic). I watched a movie and it was quite calming without pain, it’s nice to feel that you can stop them or say if it hurts. Sending best wishes and sympathies