My Letter to My Dentist- opinions please

[shamrockerin]

OK, so I am thinking about giving this letter to my dentist at my next appointment which is in a week.

I have not really told him much about why/when my fear started, but I thought writing a letter might help him understand why I am so incredibly anxious at every appointment.

I wrote this letter, and I tried very hard to make it honest and straight forward, not melodramatic or over emotional or accusatory (there's nothing in there about "all dentists do this or that" etc).

I am very very nervous about giving this letter to him though. I am not the kind of person who feels comfortable opening up emotionally to anyone, so this is a very big deal to me.

I thought maybe it would help if I posted it here first, and you guys can tell me if it sounds OK.

Here's the letter:





The Deal-Breaker


When I was a teen, I had a filling (I think the second one I’d ever had). The appointment went fine, but that night after the anesthetic wore off, I was in a lot of pain. It wasn’t that my gums were sore were from the injection, or that the tooth was uncomfortable to chew with, it was very localized and very intense pain IN the tooth. Nobody seemed to believe that I could be in so much pain from one filling, including our dentist. His suggestion was to take Advil.

That tooth was extremely sensitive for about a year until an x-ray showed that the tooth was in trouble, and I was told that I needed a root canal.

I do not remember being very anxious beforehand. I listened to my music, and most of the procedure seemed to go fine, as I was given instructions to raise my hand if I felt anything. I began to feel a strange pressure: not exactly painful, but more sensation than I had previously felt and more than I wanted to be feeling. I did raise my hand, and he did stop and top up the anesthetic. But when he went back to working with the files, I felt a sharp burst of pain, so I quickly raised my hand again and made some kind of unintelligible noise. I guess he did not believe I was actually in pain so soon after giving me more anesthetic, because instead of stopping he merely said “I know, I know, I’m almost done.”

Sometime that summer, I went in to a prosthodpontist to have a crown placed on the tooth. I didn’t think it could possibly be as bad as the root canal, and I didn’t even bother to bring music to listen to. After all, she wasn’t going to be inside my tooth, just making and fitting a proper covering for it. Unfortunately, I was really wrong. She pushed the cord between the tooth and my gums, and it was very painful. She commented that my gums were bleeding and took the cord out. I saw the blood on it, and she was using gauze to try to stop the bleeding, but she just kept commenting to her assistant that she couldn’t get it to stop. She tried the cord again, which was painful again, while still commenting that she couldn’t get the bleeding to stop. She talked to her assistant to whole time, but I don’t think she said anything to me during the whole appointment. It felt like torture, and eventually I was crying. . .which is completely humiliating. She seemed very annoyed that I was crying, and the assistant actually said to me: “Don’t cry, you’re making me feel bad.” As if I should be apologizing to her: “I’m sorry that my cries of pain are distracting you from causing me more pain. Please continue. I’ll just swallow my blood and smile so that you don’t feel bad.”

After all this, my (flawed?) plan was to never return to dentistry, and it seemed to be going along okay until this same crown fell out (which by itself is almost a funny story, but I’ll spare you).




Sorry this post was so long- this letter has actually been shortened from its original draft, but it still seems kinda long to me.

 

[carole]

Hi I think the letter is fine, I would not put the last bit in though, the bit I have just copied here for you.

and the assistant actually said to me: “Don’t cry, you’re making me feel bad.” As if I should be apologizing to her: “I’m sorry that my cries of pain are distracting you from causing me more pain. Please continue. I’ll just swallow my blood and smile so that you don’t feel bad.”

I hope this helps, it is just my personal opinion

I would sent the letter in the post before you go, then the dentist will be able to read it when they have the time. They will know how to help you and it will help to know what you are afraid of.

 

[Geraint]

I think your letter is fine, as you may know I am a big fan of writting to a dentist to explain your history / fears. It si important to let your dentist know your concens. I think that if a dentist is aware of your past experiences it may help them understand your anxiety.

 

[Dr. Daniel]

Hi
I think it is a good letter, and I would suggest you also clearly say what is the matter (as I understand it, correct me if I'm wrong):
1) your trust in dentists is damaged: The first dentist did not believe you, the second one did not stop even with a signal, and the third one put a retraction cord without anesthesia and did not attent your distress that you exprienced.
2) all these bad expereinces were around this specific tooth, so your fear and mistrust is associated with this tooth, so the new dentist must be very careful when approaching it.

So I would also put these two points: your trust in dentists is damaged, and it was damaged while treating this specific tooth.

 

[shamrockerin]

Hi I think the letter is fine, I would not put the last bit in though, the bit I have just copied here for you.

and the assistant actually said to me: “Don’t cry, you’re making me feel bad.” As if I should be apologizing to her: “I’m sorry that my cries of pain are distracting you from causing me more pain. Please continue. I’ll just swallow my blood and smile so that you don’t feel bad.”

I hope this helps, it is just my personal opinion

I would sent the letter in the post before you go, then the dentist will be able to read it when they have the time. They will know how to help you and it will help to know what you are afraid of.

Thanks Carole. I will probably leave the part about what the assistant said to me in the letter, because it really upset me how unsympathetic they were, which is part of the bad experience.

I might take out the part after that though, about swallowing my own blood, etc. I figured it was a little too sarcastic to be diplomatic, but it just goes to show how angry I am about the whole thing, even all these years later. Perhaps if that dentist hadn't been so cold and uncaring I wouldn't have avoided dentists for 12 years afterwards.

I feel really weird about writing a letter to my dentist about all this stuff- I'm not even sure I can bring myself to give it to him. I am not sure if mailing it ahead of time would make me feel better, or alot more awkward and embarrassed.

 

[shamrockerin]

Hi
I think it is a good letter, and I would suggest you also clearly say what is the matter (as I understand it, correct me if I'm wrong):
1) your trust in dentists is damaged: The first dentist did not believe you, the second one did not stop even with a signal, and the third one put a retraction cord without anesthesia and did not attent your distress that you exprienced.
2) all these bad expereinces were around this specific tooth, so your fear and mistrust is associated with this tooth, so the new dentist must be very careful when approaching it.

So I would also put these two points: your trust in dentists is damaged, and it was damaged while treating this specific tooth.

Thank you very much, Dr. Daniel. I really appreciate your response, and I will make sure to address these points. I just have one last question for you, and that is:

Do you think I should send the letter in the mail ahead of time, or hand it to him personally?

 

[Patti]

I think your letter is just fine. Mine was 3 pages!

 

[shamrockerin]

I think your letter is just fine. Mine was 3 pages!

If I went through my entire history of dental fear, the letter would have been alot longer, beginning with having 4 baby teeth pulled and no one warning me about novocaine, and then suddenly seeing a huge needle above me.

I decided to just talk about the "deal breaker" though- the experience that made me swear never to return to dentistry.

I still feel really strange and embarrassed about this, but I do not see any other option. Whenever I am there, I freeze up, which is why I have not told him about any of this before. I've been trying to just get through it on my own without delving into all the emotional baggage.

 

[Dr. Daniel]

Thank you very much, Dr. Daniel. I really appreciate your response, and I will make sure to address these points. I just have one last question for you, and that is:

Do you think I should send the letter in the mail ahead of time, or hand it to him personally?

I think to hand it personally. Eventually the hall purpose is to create a productive relationship and handing the letter in person fits this purpose better than an email. But that's my opinion, there are no rules here. Go with your instinct.

 

[shamrockerin]

So far, I've got one vote for mailing it ahead of time, and one vote for handing it to him personally. Anyone else want to weigh in?

 

[Patti]

I faxed mine at my dentists request. I think it was better he had the time to really read it instead of being rushed during the appt. i gave him my story with questions at the very end. During my first appt he answered every question.

 

[shamrockerin]

I revised it, yet again. I think I am going to mail it tomorrow.

 

[chickenjen]

I might be a little late in chiming in here..........but...................
I think it's a good letter and I wish I would have thought of a letter when I went to my first dentist....even though he knew I was a fearful patient, he didn't know why and what pushed my buttons.
I also think that mailing it ahead of time gives the dentist time to read it over. I would ask the dentist if he received the letter you sent him, just to make sure you don't have to verbally go over everything you wrote to hime about.

 

[Razzle3]

I wish I had had the courage to write out concerns to a few doctors in my life. I admire you doing so and hope your dentist will thank you for your trust in him (by the letter). I would suggest if you do FAX or email the letter that you request (if dentist has a moment) to please email (or if you'd rather give you call) to simply acknowledge he got/read it. That way, you don't have to wonder until your next appointment. In any case, much good luck and wishes.

 

[shamrockerin]

I plan to mail the letter today right after work. I hope it gets there before they close on Thursday (office is closed Friday-Sunday) because my next appointment is Monday morning.

I am really nervous about sending this letter- almost more nervous about the letter rather than the appointment. So few people know about my fear, and even fewer people (one-my fiancee) know the whole story behind it, so to spill it all on paper feels like a huge risk.

 

[victorine]

Hi shamrockerin,

I also think the letter is great! And I would have voted for handing it personally- but mailing is also great.

 

[shamrockerin]

Thanks everyone for your support and your input- always appreciated!

I did mail the letter this afternoon, so there's no turning back now. The woman at the post office told me it should arrive there tomorrow, and now I am left wondering as to what will happen when I go in for my appointment on Monday.

Is he going to be surprised or weirded out by receiving a letter from a patient? Will he mention that he received it? Will he ask me any questions about what I wrote?

The last appointment did not really go all that well- I was a nervous wreck, which is not unusual, but it had also been my first 'real' day at my new job, so I was pretty stressed out from that already. He seemed to be losing patience with me, and all the staff seemed really on edge. I didnt really take it personally because I figured they just had a rough day, and I was the last appointment of the day, but I was very disappointed afterwards.

I am hoping that my letter will allow my next appointment to go smoother, now that I was honest about everything and explained my anxiety more.