This is meant to be the easy part

[Scratch]

So, since I was last here (who knows when), I have had three extractions and about 8 fillings, all without sedation etc. To be honest, that was pretty much fine. I mean, not really but the treatment is fine. That, it turns out, is not my problem.

Since all that work finished last year, I have had two check-ups. The second was today. Both have resulted in more fillings and I am completely done with it. It is not the fillings themselves that worry me, that part is fine. It seems I am pretty good with fillings.

The problem is the ongoing and never-ending mental anguish. I still dread dentists every day. The financial implications are drowning me. Every appointment I go to leaves me feeling like I don't want to go on. (I will, nobody needs to worry). I don't think I will ever eat again without feeling a sense of fear.

Honestly, I feel as though I was better off when I was living in denial. The treatment has literally fixed nothing. My teeth are still horrible, they always will be, I get more (negative) comments now than I ever did before about them (mainly because my face has changed shape since the extractions) and I spend more time worrying about teeth/dentists than I ever did before.

I cannot put it strongly enough: my life has been destroyed by the dentist I saw as a teenager who taught me I have no control or say over my own body. Who told me I wouldn't get a job, have a boyfriend, have friends, fit in. I have lost years of my life because of that experience and the experiences that followed, which I am convinced would never have happened without her teaching me that my no makes no difference. And I have made the best of it, taken responsibility for all the bits that I can but she acted without consent and I don't know how I will ever stop feeling angry for everything she took from me that day.

And I have tried. I cannot tell you how many hours of therapy I have had, including lately with a specialist trauma therapist. But the grief for what I have lost and the ongoing, never-ending mental torture of having to continually dread appointments feels almost unsurvivable. There is nothing in life that makes this feel worth it. And I say that with the deepest appreciation for what is a lovely life, full of beautiful family and friends and work and hobbies. But this is pure hell and I think it will never end.

 

[TryingForMyself]

I didn't have a dentist that verbally put me down like yours did, that sounds so awful and so unprofessional, I'm so sorry. The dentist I had that made me phobic just didn't believe me when I could feel the dental work done on me. I had so many awful appointments with this lady, and after she laughed at me while I was crying in fear and agony, and then told me I had to finish my appointment and continued working on me as I sobbed in the chair, I just stopped going to the dentist. I remember the first time I had work at this dentist and the pain and experience was awful that I went into hyper drive to take care of my teeth after the appointment so I'd never have a cavity again. I flossed and brushed after every meal, but on my next check up I still had more cavities. I felt absolutely hopeless. It felt like no matter what I did this was going to be a torture I had to endure every few months and nobody seemed to even care how it affected me. I tried for a few years to endure it, but I just stop going to the dentist and I stopped caring about my teeth.

I have some pretty ugly decayed teeth that I learned to live with, but 2 months ago I had a tooth with such an electric shooting pain I couldn't ignore that got me back to the dentist. I started getting work done (got two root canals done but still need crowns), but omg does it cost so so much money out of pocket. I think I've paid maybe $1500 out of pocket so far for incomplete work and the estimate for the rest of the work is around $8000 out of pocket.... Going to this dentist has been better, but it still has my anxiety up so badly. I'm trying to take it one step at a time, because it's can be so overwhelming. And honestly, it sounds like you've kicked butt so far by getting so much work done and trying to take care of yourself... but maybe you need a break. That's a lot of dental work and appointments to endure within such a short timespan, I really hope you've given yourself credit for this.

Have you looked into any of the cheaper solutions to help with the look of extractions? They have thermal beads to make like DIY teeth. You can glue them on with denture glue. I know it's not a permanent solution, but is cost friendly and might help to cope more with the extractions.