Took the huge first step today.

[mia]

It's been years since I've had a dental exam. I've been a few times through my life with toothaches and needing my wisdom teeth out but I've avoided it otherwise thanks to a terrible dentist who shamed me into embarrassment over work I neeed done. I take care of them but I do think genetics play a role in some of my issues. Plus without regular maintenece and cleanings it really is hard to keep them in good shape.

I decided that this year, one of my New Years resolutions is to finally take care of this. My teeth appear okay at first glance. They could use a good cleaning but it is the other stuff I am so embarrassed about. I've lost 2 of my molars to extractions and the gaps that they've left don't bother me, but I figured a dentist would think at my age (34) it was unusual that I'd have lost them. I have many cavities (mostly staining it seems, no large holes but cavities none the less) and one tooth that finally pushed me to make the appointment I've been putting off for years. A pre molar that has a big chip in it that recently became VERY sensitive to hot and cold. I knew before this abcessed and I was in awful pain, I'd better see about taking care of it.

I researched the dentist I chose very carefully. A few co workers had said he was great (though none of them know I went. I don't discuss this with anyone ever) and every single review online is 5 stars.

Today was the day. I waited 2 weeks for an appointment and thought about canceling 100 times. This morning was the worst. I seriously felt sick. I'm not scared of tools or work or needles. I am just so embarrassed about what I need done that it truly makes me a nervous wreck.

The assistant and front desk girls were fabulous. So nice as soon as I walked in. I waited barely 5 minutes before I was brought into a state of the art office. The dentist came right in and I asked if we could talk first. I got out what I could with a red face and tried my best to explain what I was so nervous about. He was very comforting and promised me that no matter what I thought, my teeth were not as bad as I was thinking. This was before he saw them so it didn't make me feel any better initially. I let him take a peek (anyone else besides me think this is THE hardest part of the whole experience? You can't disguise or hide anything. It's all just out there!) he calmly said let's take an X-ray of the problem tooth. Did that quickly and it needs a root canal. No surprise there. He then asked me if I was okay with a panoramic shot of my whole mouth. I agreed and after he saw that (which to me looked horrible but I don't really know if I'm just nervous) he said we will do the root canal next week, and go from there. I need a lot of fillings but he seems to think nothing else needs to be pulled although he couldn't promise. I was unnerved by that but he said more than likely I'll be okay. Wants to replace the missing molars with implants but I'd need a sinus lift for the top one and I don't want that (which is why I never did anything about that gap in the first place) we discussed a bridge and he assured me there would be options and we would talk more next time. I asked again now that he had checked everything if he really could help me and do my teeth really stink and he said teeth are teeth. Do I need work done? Yes. But can these issues be fixed? Yes. One step at a time. I also liked that through all of this he said he is not out to harm my wallet in any way.

Asked him to fill my tooth with a temp filling till the root canal happens and he did. Just so I can eat without that sensitivity.

I really, really liked him and he introduced me to the other dentist who was wonderful as well, should I need to come when he isn't there, she could take care of me.

Though I'm so glad this first visit is over, I still feel like he was surprised by the state of my mouth. I'm sure that psychologically I'm still traumatized by my past experiences because he truly was wonderful and didn't shame me in the slightest. He's seen my X-rays and my mouth and we've made a plan. I just wish I felt better about it. I wish that embarrassement could go away.

I also have a hard time when the assistants are young with perfect teeth and are there the whole time listening and helping. My girl was great but I guess the shame feels worse when you're telling 2 people about it and not just one.


Next appointment is next week. I wasn't going to make it on the spot but I'm glad I did. Want to just get this over with! Next time is an hour. I hope I'll be okay now that the relationship has been established.

Just looking for any comments to see if anyone can relate. Any tips on helping me deal with this shame I'm still feeling?

 

[MissJoy]

Hi Mia. You should feel so proud of yourself for making that first step. I don't know if I have any super advise on overcoming the embarrassment. I am honestly still working on it myself. I do feel like I can relate to you 100% and want you to know you are not alone. I'm 6 years older than you which means I've have put off my teeth 6 years longer and have that much more work to do. Embarrassment is one of my biggest dental fears. I'm very private. I don't want to be judged. I don't want people looking at me at closely. I am especially not proud of my mouth and I don't want anyone to know how much I've neglected it. I take care of it fine at home. But like you mentioned, without regular cleanings there's only so much you can do. I had so many silver fillings put in on my molars when I was young. I'm extremely embarrassed for anyone to see them. I had one molar extracted 3 years ago due to a cavity that was so bad the tooth could not be saved. I really thought that was going to be the year I would face my fears and get my teeth back on track. But when I heard the word implant I was scared off and didn't come back to the dentist until just last week. I've put it off for so long. I felt nauseous every time I thought about it, so I just put it at the back of my mind. But I decided this would be the year. My first visit was hard but I feel so much better now. Am I still embarrassed? Yes. But I try not to focus on it. Instead I focus on moving forward and how great I will feel when this is all over. I have this image in my mind that a year from now I will walk into the dentist office for just routine cleaning, he will rave about how great everything looks and I will feel proud instead of embarrassed. I truly believe it will happen if I just suck up all my fear and anxiety and get all the work I need done now.

Next step for me, I'm going back next week for a deep cleaning. Scaling & root planning. I have two appointments a few days apart to get the whole mouth done. I will find out more about my future treatments after that. I know that I need my all of my old fillings replaced. If my gums don't heal enough with the deep cleaning I will need more treatment from a periodontist. I know there's more but I'll take it day by day and keep my mind positive.

Goodluck, Mia! Keep us posted.

 

[Dg6300]

Hey, you did great. That is really wonderful.

I am particularly happy that you can eat again, having had the one tooth temporarily fixed.

What you accomplished is a big deal.

I also like how you scheduled the next appointment right then. That was real courage.

I don't have any advice about dealing with shame, but I do have a hunch: I think the worst is behind you. There will be some moments, but you'll face them. I think you've come a lot further than you imagine.

 

[Enarete]

Dear Mia,

first of all a huge congrats of having made this first step and visiting a dentist, especially since you seem to have done it all by yourself, without any support of people in your surroundings. Happy to hear that you have found the right practice and get taken good care of.

Embarrassment is clearly you main fear and it was your previous experience with that dentist who shamed you which started this fear. It explains why you feel like your dentist was surprised by the state of your teeth and also why you have such a hard time with the assistants listening. Even the fact that you 'do not discuss this with anyone ever' could be tracked back to the fear of judgment.

I totally get that you would like to get rid of this feelings as soon as possible, and keep wondering how to deal with it, but the only answer to this is: give yourself some time.

The subconscious is very slow with grasping some things. As you say, you were traumatized and your mind tries to save you from an another trauma like this. The function of fear is to keep us away from dangerous situations so you mind screams 'they are judging you, they were surprised about the stat of your teeth' to prevent you from going because it was conditioned to believe that dental visits can harm you.
Now while you, on the logical level, understand that this dentist is really really lovely and that there is nothing to feel bad about, your subconscious needs much much more positive experience to accept this and set you free from feeling ashamed. It takes a bit of time to build a trusting relationship with a dentist so that your mind finally accepts that this is a safe place.

Give yourself few more visits and you will see that this feelings of shame and embarrassment will vanish by themselves as you work with your dentist a bit longer.

By the way: dentists, on a daily basis, deal with people who need much much more work than you and it is nothing unusual for them. I lately came across a post about shame here which also contains an answer from one of the lovely dentists who are around here. It relates to the way a dentist looks at teeth and I found this perspective very helpful, maybe it will help you too...

need help

I am 40 years old and I am so ashamed to admit that I have not been to a dentist in over 20 years. I feel so angry with myself for letting myself get into this situation I now find myself in. all my teeth can not be saved that I know, and I know its all my fault which makes it even worse. The...

www.dentalfearcentral.org

Hope this soothes your mind a bit at least on a logical level.

All the best, take care and keep us posted.

 

[krlovesherkids777]

Mia,

Wow... Just read your post here, and you really stepped out and I'm so glad you found a really compassionate dentist. He almost sounds a lot like mine... but you did it!! Its hard to walk in the dental office with that shame! I had it for years and every time I go in.. I feel it again.. not because of them but because of me.. i just hate the feeling of my teeth being so bad..

I decided when I started seeing my new dentist that I would just put it out there. and I tell him about my shame and even that I think I am such an awful sitution with my teeth he would want to kick me out and fire me as a patient. well.. he reassures me I'm my own worst judge and that he's not going to kick me out or switch me to another dentist or fire me.. (I still have that fear, i need to get over still).. but he truly is great, and even has me laughing through much of the treatments. Truly my greatest fear is now in my dental journey is losing my dentist that IS so kind, and competent ,and I feel comfortable working with .

The last time was really really hard because he took off some old crowns and I saw what was underneath and the decay made me shocked and I felt a blanket of intense shame.. I couldn't stand it.. I froze and I almost cried but didn't because I was just frozen.. I think he felt bad bad he showed me but I said it was ok. it needed to be. but.. every uncomfortable experience such as this. causes me to grown and realize he is still here with me willing to be my dentist despite how much shame I am feeling.. we have the emotion and the feelings tied to our experiences and they don't. even though they are caring and compassionate it doesn't carry the same intensity level..

It sounds you are very blessed with a great dentist and office!!! I know every time will bring you more and more freedom and healing. !

Also.. my psychologist talked to me about moving from shame (I'm bad because my teeth are this way, and feeling flawed and defective as a person) to.. embarrassment and regret, which are less intense and really moving through the process more like.. I'm embarrassed my teeth are like this and regret (for me, I didn't floss like I should for so long) for example.. its the past and maybe we weren't perfect or maybe I didn't ever get that root canal and chickened out.. well its ok.. its the past and we are doing something now and we can be proud of that and move towards healing !!! You are doing amazing!!

 

[mia]

Thank you to everyone for your sweet replies. I think the initial shock has worn off and I'm feeling better about things. I'm still uncertain about what work I'm going to need done because we didn't talk in a lot of detail but my goal is just to keep the teeth I have and not lose anymore.

The root canal is Saturday and though I'm anxious, I'm going to be happy to have it over with. The tooth still isn't hurting, it's just really sensitive and I look forward to that feeling being gone. I'm going to bring my headphones and listen to my music if they'll let me during the procedure to help keep me calm.

After this appointment I hope I have a little time before we take the next step (crown or bridge) because I have other things in my life to address. Does anyone know how long you can go before crowning a tooth? I'm not talking years but would 2 months or so be okay?

Thanks again to everyone. Hopefully I'll be back Saturday or Sunday to report that I made it through.

Final question, I'm in no pain now, tooth is not infected. Should I expect a lot of pain afterwards because of the work being done? Will Advil or over the counter meds suffice? I don't want to ruin my whole weekend with pain.

 

[Dg6300]

A root canal Saturday? You got this, Mia.

Just remember to breathe. Soon this will be behind you.

As far as pain, here is my two cents:

1. After my wisdom teeth and gum graft, I've really come to appreciate ibuprofen. They'll tell you how much to take, and follow their advice like clockwork.

2. As far as ruining a weekend with pain, I kindly encourage you to give yourself a little patience and time as far as the pain. (And I'm almost certain the pain will be much more bearable than you expect.) Dental work is one of the few times as adults that we are expected to sit watching Netflix all day and to eat ice cream. You'll know how much to push yourself. It'll be okay.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

[mia]

Root canal is done! It was quick and painless. I can't say enough kind words about my dentist. He took such great care of me. I didn't need any gas or music or anything. It was that calming of an environment. He took care of the tooth, told me he'd see me in a month or so to get a crown or bridge (whatever I decide to do since I have the missing one next to it) and said I was a really nice person who was just looking for what I deserved; to be treated fairly and kindly. I told him thank you for giving me that and he took my hand and said thank you for letting us.

My anxiety about all this is all but gone. Everyone there is super great and I'm thankful to have finally found a place I can go without judgement. I almost look forward to going ahead with the rest of my treatment (almost.. it is still the dentist lol)

Thank you all for listening.

 

[Enarete]

These are great news, Mia! Thank you for letting us know and a huge well done

Happy to hear that you (I dare to say it) enjoyed your treatment and almost look forward to see your dentist again soon. Getting a treatment in a lovely environment with a kind caring dentist who has a calming presence and just makes you feel accepted really is the number one weapon against dental fear. He also seems to have put you into control as much as possible and given you the feeling of being appreciated - I find his words really touching and I am sure you have felt that way too.

Thanks again for sharing and all the best on your further journey

 

[Kns]

Congratulations! You did it and are on your way to more success! I’m inspired by you and look forward to the day when I am posting similar success stories. ?