Back again -- and I have finally contacted a dentist

[lilliane]

new member -- help needed

Hello. This is the first time I am "telling" anyone about my problems. I am 60 years old. I have had full dentures for many years (since I was in my 20s) -- due to serious neglect when I was a child. I overcame terrible fear at that time to have my teeth extracted etc. But here is the big problem -- since then, I have not been back to a dentist. I have the same dentures. I probably have lots of problems. I so much want to do something, but I cannot bring myself to act. Combination of fear and embarrassment. Can anyone help?

 

[scared2bthere]

Re: new member -- help needed

HI,
Welcome

My mom had to have all her teeth pulled and Dentures when she was 18. She had the same set up until a couple of years ago. She was right about your age when she finally parted with her set and got fitted for a new one.

I'd just find someone you believe will make you a great fitting, great looking set (ask around) and go in and tell them you've just not gotten around to getting fitted for a new set but here you are now ready for a terrific new smile.

 

[Sofia]

Re: new member -- help needed

My mother also had a new set of dentures made after more than 30 years with her original set. They looked great,and the newer materials and techniques for making dentures are really an improvement over her first set. I hope that you'll have great success with yours, too.

Best wishes.

 

[lilliane]

If only it were that easy!

If only it were that easy. Thank you for responding. But the thing is that I can't simply "ask around" and go and have things taken care of! If it were that easy, I wouldn't be writing to a dental-phobia forum, would I? In all the years I have been avoiding the dentist, I have not spoken to anyone about the fact that I have dentures or about the fact that I'm afraid to go to the dentist. Not to any one, in 35 years. NOt to my wonderful husband, not to my children (now grown). No one. It's not that I'm "denying" the situation -- I certainly am very much aware of it all the time, and I'm not so foolish as to think that others are not also aware. But I can't talk about it and I can't seem to do anything. I'm frozen with fear when I think of it. I'm too embarrassed to go to someone I know. I'm afraid of exposing myself in such a vulnerable state to someone I don't know. And, I have to admit, there is also the fear that they will "find" some other problem.
I know that many of you will think -- "Well, the worst has already happened, she's lost her teeth alreay, what more can she be worried about?" I think I'm proof of the fact that dental phobia is not so much about fear of the pain (God knows I've had a lot of pain over the years), but more about the shame, which is maybe harder to confront.
But I do thank you for responding. Maybe your mother will have some words of advice for me. I try to think about how much better it will be if I can get past this fear, but I just can't seem to. On the other hand, the fact that I've located this forum and that I have (at least anonymously and on-line) stated my situation -- that's more than I've done in all these years. So maybe there is some hope.

 

[Mary]

Re: new member -- help needed

Hello and welcome.
my grandma did exactly the same thing that you did...in fact she got her dentures at 35 and never once went back...she died at 82 with the first set of dentures she ever recieved.
I recently had a full upper denture and I understand that the fear is much more than the actuall dental work!
All I can say is don't rush yourself...take your time.
You can check out dentists with out leaving your home or talking to anyone.
Try googiling dentists in your area,if you find one that you like the sound of you can e-mail them and tell them your situation and your fears and wait for a reply...then if you like what they have to say you can go from there and if you don't like what they have to say then just keep looking.
Your in my htoughts and try not to become discouraged becaus eyou have made the first step by posting here.

 

[Nattis]

Re: new member -- help needed

I understand you. I had many troubles with going to the dentist when I was a child, but me and my parents never talked about it. So, I lied to them and said that all was fine. And I lied to the dentist and said that all was fine. And I hid the panic in my eyes, the silent tears and my tense body when I sat in the dentist chair. I tried to think about other things, I wouldn't have dared to tell the dentist to stop... I cried at nighttime, when I was alone.

I've never told anyone about my fear. Until after 6 years of relationship with my (now) fiancee. And I managed to tell him. He didn't understand at first and made jokes about it. But after a while, he got it, and now he's my biggest support. I demand 100% support from him and I get 120%. Not to mention that it has made our relationship much better. I have no longer any secrets from him. And I don't have to lie about anything. (and I can blame bad temper on PMS or anxiety )

Please, do try to tell your husband! That would be the first step and maybe you will find enough support there to make an appointment and go further. Show him this forum and tell him all you can about odontophobia. (I love that there is such a fancy word for this problem... Makes it much more real - I'm not alone...) Try to tell him that many people live with this phobia - not fear - phobia. Two different things. Just make it clear that phobia is not a state from where you can "shape up", "make an effort" or "get over it"...

I sat in tears one evening and my boyfriend asked me what was up. I told him that I was afraid that something bad MIGHT happen if I went to the dentist... And he said "you don't know that, you shouldn't be afraid of what MIGHT happen, you cannot control that". So I tried to explain to him how I felt and I said "If I had a phobia and were afraid of spiders and you would say 'there MIGHT be a spider in the sofa', would you ever think I could go near the sofa?" And then he thought about it for a while and recognized my fear and instead tried to comfort me.

Anyway, I never thought my fiancee would understand me, and I'm not sure he does (he actually enjoys going to the dentist, they are friendly and he gets out of work for an hour, he had a wisdom removed and he thought it was funny. the dentist had joked around and he had had a great time...) but at least he is great with supporting me.

Good luck!
Give your husband a try! I'm sure he will try to support you and understand!

 

[letsconnect]

Re: new member -- help needed

Hi lilliane ,

Mary has made an excellent suggestion. Most people find it much easier to make the first contact via e-mail, especially if they cannot get personal recommendations. It also makes it easier to articulate your fears such as embarrassment and shame, and see how different dentists respond to your concerns.

There are many websites which can help you find e-mail addresses and reviews for dentists. This page provides lots of tips:

How to find a dentist for nervous patients

Discover how to find a dentist who is good with nervous, scared or phobic patients - and who to avoid!

www.dentalfearcentral.org

One thing I would say in your particular case is that you should try and find someone who specialises in dentures. Sometimes, such dentists are called prosthodontists. In Canada and some US states, there are also licensed denturists who can provide dentures. As far as I know, it can be quite a tricky job to make dentures if they haven't been replaced regularly, because of the changes in bone and facial muscles.

You've shown great courage by posting here and I hope you will be able to get the care you deserve before long

 

[vict4ia]

Re: new member -- help needed

So glad that you've found us.

You've received some really great advice already.

Don't feel that just because you already have dentures that your fear is any less legitimate or real than anyone else's here. Every person here comes from different backgrounds and different circumstances. Most everyone here is afraid of dentists but for many different reasons.

I understand where you're coming from in terms of embarrassment being a major hurdle. For over 20 years I avoided the dentist because I was afraid of the prognosis and I was afraid of what he or she would say. I was scared of being lectured and berated. During those years, I avoided conversations about teeth and dentists at all costs for fear that my "dirty little secret" would come out.

I was one of those people for whom email was very helpful in taking those first steps toward dental health. Like you, I was too embarrassed to ask anybody for a recommendation to a dentist. So, I looked online and found one that looked ok. Then, I wrote an email in which I laid it all on the line. I wrote about my terror and my embarrassment. I found it very helpful just to admit all of that to a dental professional.

Before long, I had made an appointment to finally go get things checked out. I was absolutely terrified. In the days leading up to the appointment, I found myself crying whenever I thought about the coming appointment. When I finally did make it to the dentist's office, I cried because I was so afraid. But, my dentist was a complete gem - so kind, caring, and reassuring.

I wish I could describe to you the feeling of absolute and utter relief when I finally sat in the dentist's chair for the first time and let her look in my mouth. I finally felt like I didn't have to hide anymore.

Shame and fear don't have to be a never-ending part of your life. You've made huge strides just by being here. You made it this far all on your own. We'll all be here to help you go the rest of the way.

You can do this.

 

[lilliane]

Re: new member -- help needed

[
Thank you all for your advice and your support. I'll keep trying to get past this thing, and if I do, I'll let you know. Thank you again.

 

[lilliane]

Hi. Brit (and others) gave me help a while back when I first approached this forum. (Quick re-cap -- I'm almost 60 years old, wear full dentures, and have not been to the dentist since I got them 35 years ago. Terrified, embarrassed, at my wits end with the whole problem.)
With Brit's encouragement, I contacted a dentist by e-mail (their web-site was very encouraging and it seemed they might be good for me.) A very kind person responded, and we've had a few e-mails back and forth. (This is the first time I have ever gotten this far in the process!) The dentist suggested an appointment during which we would just get to know each other, see if I feel I can proceed with her. No examination the first time (she promised!). So in a couple of weeks, I will (if I can keep my nerve) actually have spoken to a dentist about my problems. Thank you for your help in getting me to this point. I just hope I can see it through! Good luck to everyone else, too -- reading the stories on this forum touches my heart. I know something of the desperation and fear that so many seem to feel.
Lilliane

 

[brit]

Congratulations Do let us know how it goes. Glad the e-mail approach has worked out so far.

 

[lilliane]

Thanks, Brit. The obstacle in my way in the short term is that before this appointment I have to talk to my husband to tell him what I have planned. As I mentioned earlier, I have never in all these years and with all my fears spoken to him about this situation. It's ridiculous, I know, since he is a wonderful person and we've been happily together for more than 35 years! But I am just so embarrassed, I guess that's the only word. And scared. But I will try to it in the next few days, I hope.
My appointment to talk to the dentist is on Nov. 19. I could "die" from fear when I think too much about it. I hope I won't back out at the end. That's one of the reasons I have to talk to my husband -- so I don't have that option. (And maybe that's one of the reasons I don't want to talk to him-- as it is now, I could just stop and no-one would be any the wiser.) But I would continue to be miserable with the situation the way it is -- I must get past this.
Thanks again for your support.
Lilliane

 

[brit]

Yes I am sure you are worrying unnecessarily about his reaction. He could maybe make it less stressful for you on the day by organising the logistics of getting there.

 

[lilliane]

Hello. Well...I finally managed to talk to my husband about my situation. I don't imagine I sounded too coherent, I was so nervous about talking about it. But his response couldn't have been better. And now I have his support to prevent me from simply cancelling the appointment I've made to talk to the dentist. So it looks like I will be going to see her, on Nov. 19. Sick with nerves about it, but determined to see it through. One good point my husband made is that although for me this is a huge thing, for an experienced dentist it is probably something she's seen and dealt with before, and it is, afterall, her job to do so. I just hope she's as kind as she sounds in her e-mail messages.
One of the things I'm worried about (in advance) is whether I might have to be without dentures for a while -- I don't think I could possibly cope with that. But maybe it won't come to that.
OK, enough fretting about this for now. I hope to be able to send you a good report in a couple of weeks.
With thanks again,
Lilliane

 

[brit]

Great news - I don't see why you'd need to be without. Keep in touch.

 

[helpme!]

I just wanted to wish you good luck.

It's very encouraging that you received such a good response from emailing... hoping that is an indication of the amount of care this dentist uses. You may have found a winner!
A good dentist, with whom you have confidence, makes a HUGE difference...and goes a long way to overcoming your dentalphobia.

Most dentist understand that people don't wish to go 'without teeth' even for a short amount of time so there are options available that mean that you won't.

I just had upper dentures put in (not replacing ones...new ones) and I think during the whole process from start to finish I was without teeth for maybe 2 minutes!!!!
There is no reason you should have to be without teeth if the new dentures etc are all organised beforehand.

Best of luck...look forward to hearing how it all goes.

 

[April]

Hi lilliane

I have had a phobia since I was a child, and had been married to my husband for 5 years before I was forced to tell him that it was a dental phobia that made me pass out when I lost a filing one night at diner.

Like you I didn't tell him because I was so embarrassed and because maybe he would 'make' me go - the only thing he was cross about was that I hadn't told him before. I even wrote him a letter, because I couldn't talk about it without sobbing, explaining exactly what happened at the dentist in the past, how I felt and what I was scared of. Ever since he has been a tower of strength, supported me and taken me to every appointment (except the one I tried on my own and fainted!)

Bless him, he knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't want and honestly it was great because he could speak for me when I couldn't.

You know, like me, in your heart of hearts that you have to go through with this and I am sure you husband will be as supportive as mine is.

Good luck

 

[lilliane]

Hello again. Many thanks to Brit, April, and HelpMe for the kind words of support. As the day gets closer (one more week) until my meeting with the dentist, I have moments of panic, but also even a few of "euphoria", if that's not too strong a word. Hope it will carry me through. Yesterday I was at the doctor for an unrelated matter and she asked, as she went down a check-list of things to ask, when I had been to the dentist. I was able, for the first time (ever!) to honestly answer, "I have an appointment next week." That's all I said, but it meant a lot to me.
Thanks again for your warm words. I'll let you know how it goes next Wednesday.

 

[lilliane]

Well, here I am, once again wide awake in the middle of the night. But at least now it is not only with bad thoughts. Yesterday (Wed.) I actually went and spoke with the dentist. It was only to talk, no examination. But for the first time in almost 35years I was in a dentist's office, saw her chair and equipment, sat in the waiting room (it was the end of her working day) and talked with her for almost an hour! She could not have been kinder or more supportive. If her technical skills match her personal ones, I will be very lucky. And I have an appointment in three weeks to actually have an examination and to start the process of fixing any problems with my gums and getting new dentures. Sick with fear and kind of exhilatated at the same time.
I feel great relief that I am finally doing something and that this burden I have carried for so many years is now "shared" somewhat (with my husband and now with this dentist). But I'm terrified at the thought of the examination, of the embarrassment and shame when she sees the state of my mouth and of the dentures I have been wearing so long, and of any pther problems she might find. (I know, I know, "she's seen worse"...but that's how I feel.)
We spoke about the various options available to me, although of course we won't know really until she sees x-rays etc to know the condition of my mouth. I'm appalled to learn the cost of implant-supported dentures, so I don't know if that will be an option for me. But in any case, as she said, any new, well designed and well made dentures will be a big improvement for me in terms of function and esthetically.
Now that I have finally spoken and started to do something about this problem that I have hidden and worried about for so long, I find that I can't stop thinking about it, running through eveything over and over again, and I now can't stand the way I look and the way my mouth feels. It's as if I couldn't let myself really face those things, because I couldn't do anything about them, and now that I can the floodgates have opened. I hope I can use that feeling in a positive way, to keep me going through the next few months, but I'm afraid I might just "shut down" again and push it all back into the "can't deal with that" drawer.
Sorry to ramble on....I've got so much on my mind and this is the one place I can talk about it all. Thanks for "listening".

 

[brit]

I'm so pleased to hear that went so well...it was the only website which came up for your part of the world containing reassuring messages.....amazing you were nearby....I'm sure she's right that any new denture (and particularly a modern well-fitting one) will be a major improvement....I don't think you have much to lose.
Do let us know how it goes, so we can decide whether it should become a recommended practice rather than just a suggested/looks promising one.

Congratulations to you for overcoming your fear thus far. She's not going to react badly..no need to be embarrassed.