First time posting. Tooth fell out. Phobia.

[Barleyboo]

Ok..... big breath.

Truth is I’m beyond terrified of dentists and crying my eyes out writing this. That’s how scared I am. My problem is I have lost 3 quarters of a tooth. I haven’t told anyone - even my husband. He would be so supportive but I feel so ugly and ashamed and if I told him I know that it’s ‘real’ and treatment would be ‘real’.

A few years ago I was in so much constant pain I had never felt anything like it. Looking back I don’t know how I coped. I was shaking and had to drink as close to boiling water as I could bear to minimalism my pain. I couldn’t go on and in the end I had to see a dentist who I found online who specialised in phobic patients.

Honestly, the ‘work’ she did was tremendous. I was in no pain afterwards and she had to take a back tooth out and do all sorts. I had to be sedated. I didn’t like her though - I guess any small thing is enough to put me off any dentist because I feel like they are going to hurt me. For example one thing she did was charge £170 for a session and I was dubious about this. All she did was tell me to brush the gums not just the tooth itself and I felt ripped off. ‘Trust’ was broken (if there was any). I know that’s more ‘my’ issue then her. I know she’s just doing her job. It’s just how I feel and I can’t seem to be level headed about it.

Anyway last year a quarter of a tooth randomly fell out. I haven’t told anyone and two weeks ago another part has come away. It’s uncomfortable and constantly on my mind. I know that any second pain could kick in like last time and I’ll be left in crippling agony. It’s my massive secret that I’m carrying around.

Last night I was thinking about why I have a dental phobia - my mum has never spoken positively about dentists but to be honest I have always felt ‘violated’. I feel bad and ‘crazy’ for saying this as I know they are just people doing their jobs... but.... well.... I know it’s just my mouth but I feel like they are ‘in’ part of me. Then it’s the noise, the smells, the equipment etc. I know this sounds odd but I feel like the dentist is violating me by putting ‘equipment’ in my mouth. I know it’s part of their job but it’s just the way I feel. I’ve also had a bad experience in the past with a mean dentist. Plus I feel ‘judged’.

I guess I know the future for me - pain will inevitably kick in and then I’ll be forced to confess. I don’t keep secrets from my husband ever usually, and I feel terrible for keeping this. I just feel in a horrible, scared place at the moment. I feel guilty for keeping something from my husband. I feel constantly scared of any pain starting. I think about it all the time. I’m constantly stressed. I’m scared to eat foods and try to eat on the other side. I’m self conscious. It’s not visible if I open my mouth (just) but I’m still self aware. I’m also disgusted and ashamed with myself for getting in such a bad state in the first place. I wish teeth could grow back and I would try so much harder to look after them. I also feel hugely stupid for not telling my supportive husband who would do nothing but be kind to me.

If there is anyone, anywhere, who has the time to listen or who has any experiences to help I would be so grateful. I have no idea what the options / cost would be - sedation would be a necessity. Do I need a false tooth? Will it fall out when I talk? Urgh I’m disgusting and ugly and I’ve done this all to myself by having gum disease.

I’m sorry for being like this I just really need someone I don’t know to talk to. It’s my first time posting. Thank you to anyone that’s read this.

 

[saralou35]

Firstly let me say you have not done this to yourself! Teeth break and chip everyday! That’s life! I understand that you have a severe phobia of dentist lots of people here do including me. Please have a look online in your area for a dentist that specialise in treating nervous patients and one who used sedation! I’m sure you will find one! Please don’t beat yourself up over this it’s not your fault ?

 

[Enarete]

Hi Barleyboo,

sorry to read about your suffering, it sounds like there is quite a lot going on currently - you feeling guilty for not telling your husband, the heaviness of keeping on hiding, the panic about the state of the tooth, all the memories and thoughts linked to dental visits... I'll try to take it one step at a time.

Having dental phobia can feel like a very lonely place to be and you might even feel like you were crazy. After all, all other people around you seem to cope without difficulties, right? The right answer is: no. The most people feel uneasy about seeing a dentist and there is a huge amount of people who do not feel able to see a dentist at all. You are either weird, not crazy, nor had done anything wrong.

The way you write about dentists - as people who are 'doing their jobs' - already sounds like being violated. Reading it I picture an unhappy patient who has to let the dentist do his job and accept what's being done. This is precisely how dentistry worked some time ago, but not like it is working now. If you find a way to take control over your treatment and your dental health and open up to seeing a dentist as someone who is acting strictly on your behalf and only doing what you allow him/her and under your terms, your anxiety will get better.

The fact is that a dentist has to intrude your personal space to treat you and sitting in a chair is indeed a very vulnerable thing. That's even more a reason for taking care of yourself and chosing carefully who you allow to treat you. Trust is the main ingredient when it comes to dealing with a treatment and believe me, once you have found a dentist who manages to make you feel like equal and puts you into control, you will feel more able to cope with dental visits.

It sounds like keeping the secret from your husband is quite draining for you. I would encourage you to find a way to tell him. You might start to google dentists in your area and see if you find someone who you could trust. Do not think of the treatment right away - no need to go too fast. Just see if you could imagine emailing a practice and maybe having a chat with a dentist. A chat about your fears in the first place, not only about the tooth. Once you have a plan or the next step to go, it might be easier for you to tell your husband.

Sedation is a great help if you, after having a kind caring dentist who you feel ok with, are still not able to get through treatment. It might be wise not to see sedation as a substitute for a good trustworthy patient - doctor relationship. If you want to get rid of the anxiety once, you will need positive experiences with a treatment. Experiencing, that your dentist only does what he said he would do. Experiencing that you can give a stop signal and your dentist will stop. Experiencing that you get explanations to the procedure. Experiencing, that your dentist cares and checks on you regularly and gives you breaks. Experiencing, that your dentist is not comfortable with you being uncomfortable. These experiences can only be done if you are aware of the treatment.

Try not to think of the costs now, as the first step would be to find a good practice. If you find one, it would be wise to contact them and tell them about your situation and fears.. after that you might want to schedule to get to know them and see if you are ok with them.. and so on.. what I'm trying to say is that there are sooooo many steps between your current situation and the treatment itself. Do not think too far ahead as it likely only raises your fears.

All the best wishes and let us know how you get on. This forum is the best place to be in your situation and you will find plenty of support and inspiration here.