L
lemonsqueezy
Junior member
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2022
- Messages
- 9
- Location
- Pakistan
i'll start this by saying i have never ever been to a dentist before.
i'm 21 now. have been living with super abusive parents, can't move out because that's not a thing here (especially because i am a woman). i have always had a lot of health issues, still do, but refuse to see any kind of doctor. when i was a kid, i had horrible, horrible experiences with doctors and being misdiagnosed far too many times that i learned to keep things to myself. it didn't help that my parents would shame, insult, and make fun of me for at least a week before taking me to see a professional. i think they deliberately took me to "cheaper" doctors so they wouldn't have to spend money, and healthcare is terrible in my country. if you manage to find a good doctor, they are either way too expensive or have moved out of country to practice. so, i learned to live with whatever issues i had. to sum it up, i have had bartholin's cyst (i believe) twice, always struggling with constipation and hemorrhoids, have digestion problems, suspect ibs, lactose intolerance, and many more that might be me just overreacting. i even have a weak eyesight when no one in my family does.
i knew my teeth were bad, but i never dared to look at them. i would brush my teeth but not regularly, at least once every other day maybe. sometimes i would have dull toothaches which made me stick to brushing twice a day for a few days. even after all of this, i never looked at my teeth. except the parts that were visible when i talked; i would just make sure they were clean. i did not laugh, covered my mouth if i did, and was super conscious while still trying to ignore the problem (if that makes sense?). i don't know. when my other health issues started bothering me, i completely forgot about my horrible dental hygiene. in the end, i decided the best course of action to take was to end my life. i stopped caring. about my teeth, my health, my appearance, about everything.
two years ago, i was ready to commit suicide but didn't for some reason i can't remember. next year, when i turned 20, i had enough. i had taken a look at my teeth from afar. they were horrible. i knew i had horrible breath. that's why i always wore face masks even before the pandemic. but it didn't worry me. i wasn't scared or upset or stressed because it didn't matter anymore. it was my birthday and i was finally going to do it. so why didn't i? at the last minute, i stepped out of the house, and my friend (i only had one online friend) texted me happy birthday. just that. i cried and cried for god knows how long. i didn't tell my friend anything, instead they shared how they were so happy to have known me and that there was one time when they were seriously considering suicide but stopped because of me. because i just randomly decided to check up on them. they told me how grateful they felt to have known me, and i started crying even harder. i didn't know that. the same thing was happening to me. and then i went back inside and said, ok lets give this one more shot.
so, i picked myself up. tried to get my life together. got a job which was paying me very, very low but it was something. i got a haircut. i bought myself new clothes. i ordered food to eat. i made some friends. when i fell sick one day, i found a good doctor and booked an appointment. then my anxiety kicked in. i had terrible panic attacks. i did not go. then i was ok. forgot about it. found another doctor some time later, went to him and explained my situation. i was sick with fever and cough. he agreed not to take out any injections, checked my mouth, and gave me some meds. if the meds didnt help, i would have to go back and do some tests. the meds worked, the doctor left the country.
i was at a relatively good place now. or at least, i liked to think so. mental health is not taken seriously here, so i never managed to find someone for that. even if i did, i hardly had enough money because i was paying for my studies now. i felt better but in reality, i was just ignoring everything. i would still have horrible nightmares. i would still get anxiety attacks at night. i was still being abused by my family. things did not really work out for me still. the most ridiculous thing that drove me to the edge was when i finally got my earlobe pierced despite the extreme fear of needles i had, and my piercing got infected three times. i still woke up in the middle of the night, choking back tears. but in the morning, everything was fine. i would act like nothing happened. i was good to my parents. still, i was ignoring my teeth...
more than a week has passed now when i got some kind of swelling in my lower gums. at first, i thought it was an abscess but the pain was minimal. the swelling spread to the molars on the right. it increased. i had a hard time eating. everything came crashing down. no one could save my teeth now. i had neglected them enough. i got some kind of oral gel to apply on my gums and the swelling is now controlled but not going away. i can talk, eat, sleep, and there is only a slight discomfort. i looked up dentists near me, had a panic attack, stopped and decided to wait for this to heal by itself.
for the past week, i have been browsing reddit, googling, and checking all kinds of websites and cannot sleep anymore. i cry all day, unable to stop, and don't feel like eating. this is the second day of me getting yet another dental problem. i woke up at night with throbbing pain in my upper left tooth. it was bearable so i went back to sleep. woke up and the pain is up to my nose. i keep taking ibuprofen whenever the toothache comes back, but my nose keeps feeling irritated. i can't stop crying. i contacted a dentist nearby but couldn't speak. i have been getting anxiety attacks nonstop. i am this close to killing myself. i don't see any other way out. i don't have money. my teeth look so, so horrible that i feel sick. i have been taking a close look at them, and it just keeps making me feel even more suicidal.
i finally managed to take a picture today but couldn't upload it for people to see. i have huge, huge amounts of tartar on my teeth, over my gums. i don't know if it's over my gums or if my gums have receded all the way back. probably the latter. whatever you're imagining, it looks worse than that. i don't think my teeth can be fixed. if they remove and clean the dirty stuff, they will come loose and fall. if they don't, i will probably have to have major surgeries which i not only can't afford but am absolutely terrified of. my teeth are already loose. they don't hurt when i eat and don't feel sensitive to hot or cold, but that could be because of all the plaque/tartar covering the gumline. my bottom front teeth are the worst. so much tartar and plaque, especially at the back. the gums have receded so much, and the gaps between each tooth are covered with the dirty plaque. i have read so many stories, looked at pictures of people worried about their teeth, and all of them look better than me (except maybe the decayed teeth ones). i don't see black spots on my molars but something's definitely wrong. all of my teeth have yellow plaque and the gumline has black hard stuff on it. i want to share pictures but scared that what i am thinking is right. i sometimes think maybe it wouldn't have been that bad if i lived somewhere else.
i am so, so sorry about this insanely long rant. i just want to get this off my chest and have been trying to post on reddit but it keeps getting deleted. i don't know why but i wanted to share this with someone. this is the only place i found where i could. i'm sorry. i still can't stop crying.
i'm 21 now. have been living with super abusive parents, can't move out because that's not a thing here (especially because i am a woman). i have always had a lot of health issues, still do, but refuse to see any kind of doctor. when i was a kid, i had horrible, horrible experiences with doctors and being misdiagnosed far too many times that i learned to keep things to myself. it didn't help that my parents would shame, insult, and make fun of me for at least a week before taking me to see a professional. i think they deliberately took me to "cheaper" doctors so they wouldn't have to spend money, and healthcare is terrible in my country. if you manage to find a good doctor, they are either way too expensive or have moved out of country to practice. so, i learned to live with whatever issues i had. to sum it up, i have had bartholin's cyst (i believe) twice, always struggling with constipation and hemorrhoids, have digestion problems, suspect ibs, lactose intolerance, and many more that might be me just overreacting. i even have a weak eyesight when no one in my family does.
i knew my teeth were bad, but i never dared to look at them. i would brush my teeth but not regularly, at least once every other day maybe. sometimes i would have dull toothaches which made me stick to brushing twice a day for a few days. even after all of this, i never looked at my teeth. except the parts that were visible when i talked; i would just make sure they were clean. i did not laugh, covered my mouth if i did, and was super conscious while still trying to ignore the problem (if that makes sense?). i don't know. when my other health issues started bothering me, i completely forgot about my horrible dental hygiene. in the end, i decided the best course of action to take was to end my life. i stopped caring. about my teeth, my health, my appearance, about everything.
two years ago, i was ready to commit suicide but didn't for some reason i can't remember. next year, when i turned 20, i had enough. i had taken a look at my teeth from afar. they were horrible. i knew i had horrible breath. that's why i always wore face masks even before the pandemic. but it didn't worry me. i wasn't scared or upset or stressed because it didn't matter anymore. it was my birthday and i was finally going to do it. so why didn't i? at the last minute, i stepped out of the house, and my friend (i only had one online friend) texted me happy birthday. just that. i cried and cried for god knows how long. i didn't tell my friend anything, instead they shared how they were so happy to have known me and that there was one time when they were seriously considering suicide but stopped because of me. because i just randomly decided to check up on them. they told me how grateful they felt to have known me, and i started crying even harder. i didn't know that. the same thing was happening to me. and then i went back inside and said, ok lets give this one more shot.
so, i picked myself up. tried to get my life together. got a job which was paying me very, very low but it was something. i got a haircut. i bought myself new clothes. i ordered food to eat. i made some friends. when i fell sick one day, i found a good doctor and booked an appointment. then my anxiety kicked in. i had terrible panic attacks. i did not go. then i was ok. forgot about it. found another doctor some time later, went to him and explained my situation. i was sick with fever and cough. he agreed not to take out any injections, checked my mouth, and gave me some meds. if the meds didnt help, i would have to go back and do some tests. the meds worked, the doctor left the country.
i was at a relatively good place now. or at least, i liked to think so. mental health is not taken seriously here, so i never managed to find someone for that. even if i did, i hardly had enough money because i was paying for my studies now. i felt better but in reality, i was just ignoring everything. i would still have horrible nightmares. i would still get anxiety attacks at night. i was still being abused by my family. things did not really work out for me still. the most ridiculous thing that drove me to the edge was when i finally got my earlobe pierced despite the extreme fear of needles i had, and my piercing got infected three times. i still woke up in the middle of the night, choking back tears. but in the morning, everything was fine. i would act like nothing happened. i was good to my parents. still, i was ignoring my teeth...
more than a week has passed now when i got some kind of swelling in my lower gums. at first, i thought it was an abscess but the pain was minimal. the swelling spread to the molars on the right. it increased. i had a hard time eating. everything came crashing down. no one could save my teeth now. i had neglected them enough. i got some kind of oral gel to apply on my gums and the swelling is now controlled but not going away. i can talk, eat, sleep, and there is only a slight discomfort. i looked up dentists near me, had a panic attack, stopped and decided to wait for this to heal by itself.
for the past week, i have been browsing reddit, googling, and checking all kinds of websites and cannot sleep anymore. i cry all day, unable to stop, and don't feel like eating. this is the second day of me getting yet another dental problem. i woke up at night with throbbing pain in my upper left tooth. it was bearable so i went back to sleep. woke up and the pain is up to my nose. i keep taking ibuprofen whenever the toothache comes back, but my nose keeps feeling irritated. i can't stop crying. i contacted a dentist nearby but couldn't speak. i have been getting anxiety attacks nonstop. i am this close to killing myself. i don't see any other way out. i don't have money. my teeth look so, so horrible that i feel sick. i have been taking a close look at them, and it just keeps making me feel even more suicidal.
i finally managed to take a picture today but couldn't upload it for people to see. i have huge, huge amounts of tartar on my teeth, over my gums. i don't know if it's over my gums or if my gums have receded all the way back. probably the latter. whatever you're imagining, it looks worse than that. i don't think my teeth can be fixed. if they remove and clean the dirty stuff, they will come loose and fall. if they don't, i will probably have to have major surgeries which i not only can't afford but am absolutely terrified of. my teeth are already loose. they don't hurt when i eat and don't feel sensitive to hot or cold, but that could be because of all the plaque/tartar covering the gumline. my bottom front teeth are the worst. so much tartar and plaque, especially at the back. the gums have receded so much, and the gaps between each tooth are covered with the dirty plaque. i have read so many stories, looked at pictures of people worried about their teeth, and all of them look better than me (except maybe the decayed teeth ones). i don't see black spots on my molars but something's definitely wrong. all of my teeth have yellow plaque and the gumline has black hard stuff on it. i want to share pictures but scared that what i am thinking is right. i sometimes think maybe it wouldn't have been that bad if i lived somewhere else.
i am so, so sorry about this insanely long rant. i just want to get this off my chest and have been trying to post on reddit but it keeps getting deleted. i don't know why but i wanted to share this with someone. this is the only place i found where i could. i'm sorry. i still can't stop crying.