Trying to stop the years of denial

[JuliaS]

Hi all,

Just found this site and am amazed that there are so many people like me! I thought I was almost alone in having dental problems which impact (sorry for the pun) on practically every aspect of my life. I go to sleep worrying about my teeth, wake up worrying about them and you know when people say that men think about sex every twenty seconds, well, bully for them, I think about my teeth every ten seconds.........

I was very, very lucky in having perfectly straight, white teeth as a child. I breezed through twice yearly dental appointments - never having a filling or braces or any kind of treatment apart from a scale and polish every two years or so.

All this changed when I moved from my hometown at the age of 18 and went to a new dentist. Despite never having had a filling or indeed any pain whatsoever in my teeth, this new dentist gave me EIGHT fillings during my first appointment with him. I trusted him, as one does at the age of 18 - you think that any medical professionals are demi Gods, however I was bewildered by these huge, dark fillings and so I contacted my former dentist who had looked after me since I was a child and asked him if it was possible for my teeth to have deteriorated so rapidly in the six months since my last appointment with him when he told me that my teeth were perfect. My old dentist hummed and hahed - no-one wants to criticise a fellow professional, but when pushed he said it was unlikely that my teeth could have deteriorated to such an extent.

Over the next couple of years, I managed to avoid the dentist, but when my wisdom teeth started coming through, I was forced to go to the dentist again. He pulled my two top wisdom teeth, shattering one in the process.

Since that experience (16 years ago) I have not been to the dentist. Most of the eight fillings which I was given have dropped out and bits of my teeth have snapped off.

I am absolutely terrified of going to the dentist again. I have also developed a terrible gag reflex over the last few years, and can not imagine that anyone could make me keep my mouth open long enough to treat my teeth.

I sometimes think I'd be better off just driving my car into the central reservation of the motorway rather than having to endure the humiliation of running out of a dentist's surgery, sobbing because I've been told that my teeth are so bad that they are untreatable. The worst thing so far is that on Saturday, the second to back molar came out completely and I don't know what on earth to do.

Any words of wisdom (another bloody pun - sorry) would be very much appreciated. I am at my wits end. My marriage broke down because of my dental phobia - my husband said that he was embarrassed to be seen with me because of my awful teeth. Even that didn't push me enough to go to the dentist.

Thanks for listening.

 

[queenoffear]

Hello! Welcome. You took the first step in writing your story. Good for you!! I am terrified of dentists as well. Taking small steps helps. Can you go to a sedation dentist by chance? I use one and it does help. You do not feel any work being done and have little to no memory of the work that was done. That is awful your marriage broke down. I am so sorry. Your teeth have nothing to do with the wonderful person you are inside. It is his loss!!!!!!!!! There are understanding dentists out there! If you can, make a few phone calls and maybe meet with them first. Take someone supportive with you and maybe a special trinket as well to hold. It sounds silly but it helps. You are not alone in this fear. I always worry about my teeth too. It consumes me at times. You cannot push someone to go to a dentist. You have to work up the courage to make that call and I am here to help you do just that. I know how much it takes to make that call. I did it but it came with a lot of tears and anxiety. It does get easier though. I am still afraid but it is getting better. The hard thing is to confront the fear. It seems easier to just pull away from it. But pulling away does not help us. Facing it will make you stronger. You have strength and courage. You have my support and you CAN do this. I am sorry you had a terrible experience with the new dentist. There is a kind dentist out there that will help you and that will understand. Please keep me updated. You are in my thoughts.

 

[letsconnect]

Hi Julia ,

boy can I relate (having had a similar experience in the past). I was reading about the kidney scandal in South Africa the other day and while "stealing" people's kidneys is taking things to a different level, the underlying principle is the same - harming people's bodily integrity in order profit financially. Your previous dentist's behaviour was criminal and I'm really sorry that you had the misfortune to cross his path . As to your husband leaving you because he was embarrassed to be seen with you - sorry, I don't want to sound harsh, but I was thinking to myself "good riddance". You really deserve much better .

You were asking for words of wisdom - I don't have any, apart from knowing with 100% certainty that you will be able to solve your dilemma with the help of the right dentist - someone you really like and trust (please have a read through the "Common Fears" and "Help" pages if you haven't already done so).

Take good care of yourself and remember that you will be able to sort this out

 

[Dr. Daniel]

Hello Julia
I am a dentist who specializes in treating dental phobic patients.
Your story has touched me. There are "hungry" dentists who would do needless treatments.
The most important thing for you, I believe, is to find a good dentist. A dentist which has sensitivity and integrity, and believe me, there are lots of them. It might some time but you can build with him a fruitful trusting relationship.
To find such a dentist I suggest you to meet several dentists, just for meeting and a short examination. You can bring with you a panoramic photo which will give a good idea about your teeth. I suggest you continue until you find a dentist which you feel comfortable with. In addition, going to several dentists will help you with your fear, because you are letting yourself to be exposed to the "dental scene" and that's the best way to overcome denial and avoidance.

You are on the right path already
keep on going forward.

 

[JuliaS]

Dear Queen of Fear, Lets connect and Dr. Daniel,

I am absolutely overwhelmed by your kindness. Thank you SO much for taking the time to reply and for your support and words of encouragement - I wish I had found this site a long time ago, but as I wrote, I've been in denial for so long - it was FAR easier to bury my head (and my horrible teeth) in the sand, rather than face up to my fears.

I don't live in the UK, but my brother lives in London and I could stay with him for as long as I need to during any dental treatment. Alternatively, I have a very good friend who lives in Manchester (my former hometown). Could anyone recommend a kind and caring dentist in either of these two cities?

Regarding sedation - if I was sedated, would my gag reflex disappear? Sorry to be so ill informed, but is a gag reflex a physical 'thing' (i.e something which would still be present even if I were sedated) or is it present owing to my fear? I don't really know how to explain the fear. I have quite a high pain threshold and am not afraid of needles per se. Seeing as you have all been so kind and non judgemental, I can admit that I am actually afraid of what I'm going to be told (I have this nightmarish scenario in my head where the dentist, after taking a quick shuftee at my mouth reels back in horror and with an expression of deep regret, says, 'sorry, I've seen some bad teeth in my time, but NOTHING as bad as yours and there isn't a dentist in the world who would take you on') and of the gag reflex, rather than any pain. Does that make any sense? It's pretty obvious that the chain of events was set in motion by the initial bad experience regarding the eight (possibly unnecessary) fillings, but most people would have been able to get past that, which is where the shame comes in that I am not as brave and 'together' as 'most' people.

I've just re-read my last paragraph and I know that I am coming across as totally self obsessed (MY teeth are the worst in the WHOLE world) but your kind words have given me the courage to actually come out and say exactly what I'm thinking. It's actually quite liberating.

Thank you so much again. I really will sleep much more soundly tonight having read your kind words of support.

XXX

 

[mghstl]

It is hard to post to someone in the UK...your dental/health care plan is so different from what we have in the US. Better-worse...it's all relative. But what we share is our phobia. If you've gotten thru the trauma of scheduling an appointment, you are ahead of the game. It truly is the hardest step many of us make. From here on, no matter what treatment you face, it will only get better. Any modern dental treatment is better than NO treatment. The satisfaction you have ahead of you is unimaginable...give yourself that joy, and let everyone here know how great you feel as you progress.
My best wishes.

 

[brit]

Dentistfinder links:
London - https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/forum/forums/london.29/

Manchester - https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/forum/forums/north-west.30/

Your gag reflex would maybe disappear if you felt relaxed in the company of your 'nice' dentist....more info here: https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/fears/gagging/

I would advise you to seek private care not NHS in UK in order to get the most patient-centred unrushed care tailored to your needs and wants as 'paying customer'. You are highly unlikely to get the judgemental stuff from a private dentist since they are fully aware you are paying them directly for a service, it's a common fear: https://www.dentalfearcentral.org/fears/embarrassment/

Go to a dentist aged over 45 and they may even not have perfect teeth themselves! I love these guys and gals - shame they will eventually retire lol.

 

[queenoffear]

I want you to know I had the same thoughts about my teeth. They are the worst the dentist has seen. I thought he would laugh at me or yell at me. He did not. I even had nightmares about teeth. I was petrified of what I would be told too. I was afraid of the x-ray and did not want to even look at them. If I did I think they would be picking me up off of the floor. You are brave and you are 'together.' You came here and admitted you have a fear. Be proud of yourself. That is the first step. I still cannot get past the bad dental experience I had as a child. I still remember his name. But I know now not all dentists are like that. It is hard to trust but when you find the right dentist you will be amazed how much easier it is. Finding that perfect dentist is not easy but you can do it. Believe me I know. If you do not like one move onto the next. You deserve to be comfortable and at ease with them and get the best care. There is nothing wrong with checking out multiple dentists and 'interviewing' them so to speak. Sometimes writing down our thoughts and fears to people that understand is freeing. You are not alone. Please keep me updated on your progress. I am here should you need me.