Unaffordable and Terrified... More of a rant. Sorry.

[Ayla]

So I guess my fear started when I was about 12.
I had never had any dental care before then as far as I could remember and my parents to say the very least were never hygenic about their own teeth. I guess we just never really thought of it much. I never realized how bad my teeth were until I was an early teen and toothbrushes were something that just wasn't in our bathroom (sometimes toilet paper wasn't either, but when you grow up this way you just dont think anything of it.) I am the youngest of five kids and my dad supported all of us on pretty much minimum wage. My mother didn't work because my brother was severe special needs.
When I was 12 my mother was able to get medi-cal for us. And we went to the only dentist in our area that serviced medi-cal patients. When it was my turn an overwhelming anxiety hit me. I had never been in a cold dental room and everything so sterile and lifeless looking. It didn't help that my dentist was obviously very unfear friendly. Being 12 and never brushing my teeth there was alot wrong with them, I still had some baby teeth and 4 big cavities to match.
When I asked my dentist to tell me what he was gunna do before he did it so I could be aware and not jump out of my skin, he told me to shut it and keep my eyes open so I knew what was happening.
My flight or fight response took over..... I punched him.
I was escorted out. And I think my mother had a conversation with the dentist about me getting pyschological help. Never again until I became an adult did I ever attempt (nor my mother) to see the dentist. My other siblings were fine anxiety wise. But I cried every time I saw a western dental commercial.
After 2 pregnancies (2 boys) my teeth are crumbled, nasty, unattractive and Ive lost about 6 teeth. When I was 18 I learned to brush them daily.
My husband loves me and hes got a great smile. I'm decidedly lucky and blessed about that.
Ive tried so hard since Ive become an adult to save for my teeth. But alas life gets in the way and I can't put my needs before the needs of my children.
I have never really ever smiled. Any picture Ive had taken of me I do a closed mouth smile that everyone just thinks is shy. Crooked teeth with cavities.... and missing teeth. I feel pretty gross.
I am 27 yrs old and I have high anxiety about the dentist, about getting sick from an infection in my teeth ( I had to get four of them removed last year from infection and it had to be under anesthesea), about money that I will never be able to come up with, and just about the whole process in general.
It seems like every time I get the courage to just go have it done something comes up in the way.
I live in california and last year is was that Governor Swartzenegger removed denti-cal for adults. LOL I promptly wrote him a letter.......only response was an automated one 3 months later.
've just given up though. I want so bad to have a gorgeous smile but I feel helpless. I feel ashamed and worthless, ugly and cowardly.
Just a note though....... I do work full time as does my husband.... not a welfare recipient here, but im sure I will never get past my minumum wage job if something isn't done about my teeth.
I don't even qualify for medi-cal now. I'm on private insurance. It wouldn't help it even if the denti-cal was still available.
My sons will enjoy a childhood though with gorgeous teeth. Braces for my older one... hehe and I still have some time before my 1 month old grows his teeth in.
I think this is more me feeling sorry for myself than anything. I am not trying to make any one feel sorry for me. There are thousands upon thousands of people in worse situations than I. I guess I just feel like I need to put my thoughts down, onto something where other people can either relate or judge depending.
Thanks for reading. No real question here...... unless you know where to find a genie who will fix my teeth in the blink of an eye?

 

[Poppy1234]

I haven't got a genie or a magic wand, sorry!
All I can do is say the people on here are here for you, so talk away whenever you want.
We are listening.
I can't help personally, but I care.
xx

 

[Ayla]

Thank you poppy1234.

 

[queenoffear]

I am sorry for all you have been through. My teeth are crooked in the front and I am self conscious about it. I am 36 and have been living with teeth like that since the adult teeth came in. I have been ridiculed by other kids as a child but my parents never would pay for me to have braces. This leaves me with my poor husband ready to foot anotehr huge bill for my dental expenses and my constant nagging about wanting straight teeth. His teeth are straight and I envy that. I try not to smile in pictures either. My son even noticed my teeth are not straight and told me I had big front teeth. I know he is a little one still but kids are brutally honest. You know what though he is right. It hurt to hear but he is right. I have the same anxieties as you do about dentist, infections, money, etc . You are not alone. I know exactly how you feel. Dental work is terribly expensive. Fear just makes it worse. I have to pay for it out of pocket as well. Five or so years ago I racked up a bill totaling over $10,000. Now I am back to square once since I stopped going and just started up again. You are not cowardly. Everyone in this world has fears. Do not let anyone tell you they do not. Everyone is afraid of something. We just happen to be afraid of dentists. Sometimes it is just nice to write our thoughts down and know that someone else understands. I understand. If you need anything please write. My best to you.

 

[Ayla]

Thank you queenoffear. Being a teenager I was ridiculed pretty bad. You learn not to show them when you talk or when you smile. I have had 2 cavities in my front teeth that have eaten away at them since I was sixteen. It's not for lack of trying to take care of them. Even with the low cost clinics its about $90 a filling and when I have probably 10 or so that need to be filled, plus more extractions and Lord knows implants or at least a partial at this point plus a few root canals, I can just imagine the bill. Half of the fear stems just from going to the dentist and seeing the bill and then knowing I can't afford it. I have already had one tooth sacrificed for extraction because I couldn't afford a root canal.
Funny enough I have private dental insurance. I can't even begin to afford the co-pay though.
My eight year old said about a year back "Mom you are beautiful. Except for your teeth." And it hurts to not beable to smile fully at him either. People judge unfortunately and really the only job Ive ever been able to land is a gas station cashier. And boy I have gotten comments from some customers that make me want to hide. It's pretty bad when people think your a drug user and I have never touched the stuff.
I don't qualify for low income poverty dental help and I don't qualify for charity. Even the most basic care that people take for granted has eluded me money wise and its come to a change jar that I have taken up a savings for.
Thank you for reading this. It is nice to vent definetly, this has been a lifelong issue that I still need to work through.