Facing the fact that I've ruined my life in my 20s

[xxv546]

I scheduled my first dentist appointment since before Covid next week, and I am so terrified about how my life is about to change. I am only 26, and I am sure I am going to lose my front bottom teeth, if not more. I have always had a severe dental phobia ever since my dentist overly shamed me on as a child for a *potential* cavity that they were able to reverse. That appointment is the only time my parents have said they were disappointed in me, and it triggered months of suicidal ideation and depression, the worst that I have ever experienced. Ever since then I have been terrified of the dentist (panic attacks, throwing up before appointments out of anxiety, etc) and even feel like I'm going to throw up with anxiety from flossing if the floss ever gets stuck etc.

I have not the best but not the worst oral health habits (I brush 2x per day and use mouthwash, and i used to floss until I got a few fillings in college that made the teeth too close together and floss would get stuck, triggering panic attacks etc so I stopped). Unfortunately I never got the hang of flossing around the permanent retainer they put behind the bottom teeth after braces, and that is where this problem really began.

During covid I noticed a small cavity (?) along the gumline of my front bottom teeth below the retainer bar. I was hours from home and couldn't go to the dentist due to my family's covid concerns, and when I graduated and went back home for a few months my hometown dentist was booked out all summer with Covid catchups, by which point I had moved into a new city. The prospect of finding a dentist, making my own appointment for the first time...not to mention that i knew something was wrong with my bottom teeth but was so afraid to deal with it now that it had been a year of it likely getting worse...I told myself I would find a new dentist after a few months of settling in.

Well here I am in September 2025, finally going after things have reached a breaking point. I eventually stopped brushing that area as it increasingly made it feel worse--I know, the worst thing I could do--and that made it worse and worse and worse. Chunks have been falling out the back, my gums are so swollen, and i haven't bit into anything in over a year. My greatest fear is that someone will offer me a sandwich or corn on the cob and I will have to admit why I can't eat it. All my teeth look normal whitish and straight from the front--someone even commented recently on what nice teeth I had, which made me laugh. The disaster is secret, though I know I can't hide it much longer as it is beginning to impact my speech and I know a tooth (or a few, lol) will fall out eventually, and I won't be able to hide it.

I know I will likely need a lot of extractions. And i don't even know if I will be able to get implants because of the severe gum disease I think I have. My biggest fear around all of this is having to tell everyone in my life that I have failed them, and losing everything. I am attractive, work a really good job, exercise regularly and have a very healthy diet. I have enough savings that I am not worried about paying for implants if they are an option medically. I have a great boyfriend who I live with, lots of good friends, an active social life, and many fulfilling hobbies. My family always talks about how proud they are of me, how responsible I am, etc. But I know that i am lying to them, and it is eating me alive. I have been sobbing and/or having panic attacks every day for months, knowing that I am about to lose everyone's respect. I haven't looked forward to any plans that I would usually love. Many of my friends are in the medical field and openly have a very condescending view towards those that neglect their health, especially their dental health. I do not know if I will retain those friendships if I am open about what is going on, and we hang out regularly enough that I will need to give an excuse for dropping off the map when getting treatment. I worry that my boyfriend will end our relationship, as he has said before that poor oral health was something that had given him the "ick" with previous girls he had dated. I am worried that I will lose my job--I have a very client facing job, and need to be able to speak clearly for up to 45 min when giving presentations, eat at client dinners, etc. I feel like I am a monster hiding among everyone.

I have been able to push all this off by not going to see the dentist--as my teeth looked normal from the front, it was easier to do this than accept that my life as I know it is over. If I don't go, it isn't real. But it has reached a breaking point. i really did love my life before it hit this point, so I know I need to fight to save the remnants of it. That's why I made my appointment, with a dentist who the internet said offers sedation options and is good for those with dental phobias. I don't know who will drive me to the appointment though, which means that I don't even know if I will be able to get the sedation. But I know that when I go to the dentist next week, it will all be over, and I will lose everything. I like to think that I will be able to be happy again one day, or at least I need to tell myself that I will be, if I am going to get through this. But I do not know how I will date again if I need to have dentures in my 20s or lose my appearance due to facial structure change, or what career path I will choose if I lose my current job because I will not be able to fulfill my job's requirements if I cannot speak clearly. I do not know how I will tell my parents that I have failed them. I think if I can get implants it will be ok because then if I move across the country or to a new country I can date and make new friends and get a new job. But I do not know what I will do if it has to be dentures. I am a very social person and the prospect of a life without socializing (in person, online isn't enough for me) does not seem worth it to me. I also do not know what jobs would accept me. I am well educated and good at my line of work, but that field values appearance and clean clear speech very highly. And missing teeth (or even not perfect straight white teeth honestly) has such negative connotations in my country, especially in the region I live in, that having any dental issues at all is professionally disqualifying. And the idea of losing my high-paying job and savings, at a time when my country is becoming increasingly unstable and authoritarian, and the price of everything is skyrocketing, is terrifying.

The worst is that it is my own fault. I was so lucky, and had a great life, and I ruined it. I know that going to to the dentist and facing what I have done is the only chance I have of having a life again, but god is it hard throwing away everything I love and have worked for. Sorry for the long post, I have no one in my life I can speak to about this and feel so so alone and trapped.

 

[Vaidile]

Hello and welcome to the forum! You're in good company here

I don't know you, but I wish I could hug you because I think it's what you need most right now. So please accept a virtual one:

Now please hear me out: you're spiraling and catastrophizing. I know, it's what we all phobics do and almost impossible to avoid, but it's helpful to at least recognize that's what it is and that it's just your overactive imagination coming up with things to scare you, because it thinks it's trying to protect you from this awful thing you're facing. If you go the Success stories or Journals sections of this forum, you'll find countless stories of people who were certain they were going to lose all their teeth, and for most of them it turned out to not be the case. You're only 26; it's extremely unlikely that the damage is going to be that bad. I myself was convinced I had periodontal disease when I recently went to the dentist after a 7-8 year hiatus, but I was mistaken, too. And I hadn't flossed at all until a few years ago, neither was I very diligent with brushing. I have a friend who's in her 40s, barely brushes, doesn't go to the dentist until she's forced to by pain, and even she is nowhere near losing her teeth. Our teeth are more resilient than we give them credit.

Do you really think your loved ones are so shitty people that they'd leave you over this minor issue of you not caring for your teeth well enough? Because it would be extremely shitty of them, especially when you can afford any dental work you might need and are not asking anything of them. You sound like someone who's set very high standards for yourself and I know you're currently feeling like this is the worst moral failing, but it's really not. And you never know what people in your life might be dealing with, either. I bet not every single one of them is as diligent with dental care as you think. You said it yourself: people are complimenting you on your teeth even though there's damage they can't see. I was so surprised to hear that my coworker, who I thought had perfect teeth, has also just recently started going to the dentist after years of avoidance! It's more common than you'd believe.

When is your appointment? Is there anything you can do to try and take your mind off it as much as possible until then? Work, friends, family, hobbies - keeping busy helps a lot.

I will be thinking of you and be here to cheer you on if you need it

 

[xxv546]

@Vaidile thanks for your response and kind words.

I guess I do not think that all my loved ones would leave me per say, but would see me so differently that it would change our relationship/make us much less close. Some enjoy talking about how bad putting off the dentist is and then asking everyone when their last checkup was, especially the people who have loved ones working in the dental field. Like I have been at multiple dinners that devolved into everyone proudly listing their last dental cleaning and how it went, bragging about how they had no cavities etc.

Until recently keeping busy was helping me keep my mind off it but now i am just feeling increasingly guilty when I am around people because I feel like I am lying to them. I am just glad that this week I will at least know one way or another and will be able to make a plan on how to fix things (or will know that i can't fix things and will come up with a strategy on how to salvage that. lol). I think the uncertainty is probably worse than anything.

Thanks again for thinking of me, it means a lot.

 

[xxv546]

Update: It was today. I woke up at 6am and just lay there in dread for a few hours until it was time to go. I was so so petrified, almost threw up on my way there, and ended up crying at the dentist while I explained what was going on and sobbed apologies at the state of my mouth when she took a look. But she was so so kind and understanding, the first thing she said was to say i should be proud of myself for coming in, and the second thing she said was re-assure me that she couldn't see any way those teeth would have to come out and that even though there was a ton of tartar she would be shocked if xrays said there was any structural issue with them under that. I did start panicking and getting a bit hysterical while doing the x-rays because I was still so convinced it would knock my teeth out, but I got them done even though I needed to take a few breaks. But then there was good news!! They said that while the back of my front bottom teeth are so absolutely covered in tartar and I will need a deep cleaning in that area, there is no bone loss or cavities/decay and they expect all gum inflammation to go down after the cleaning/they don't have long term concerns. I guess that what I felt falling out from that area was chunks of tartar, not tooth. They even said that the rest of my mouth has pretty much no tartar and I am taking care of my other teeth very well, even my wisdom tooth. I do need to get some fillings replaced from when I was a kid that they said are getting a bit iffy, but no new drilling/cavities. I am actually in shock at how well it went. I did not think there was any way I got this lucky. I am not even nervous for the deep cleaning and fillings because I will be under oral conscious sedation and won't remember any of it!

I cannot believe the months (years?) I spent limiting my life and terrified and dreading things I should have been looking forward to like friends weddings and holidays and vacations. And I actually can't believe that for the past few months I had been having thoughts of ending my life rather than facing a diagnosis, which turned out to be really quite positive considering the situation.

I still can't really eat well due to the tartar but now that I know my teeth aren't at risk of falling out any moment I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off me and am no longer afraid to talk. I feel more relaxed than I have in the past year, and today was the first time since June that I haven't had teeth always in the back of my mind and have actually laughed and smiled and made jokes uninhibited rather than just forcing myself to so that no one knew how depressed I was. I kissed my bf when he got home and for the first time in months wasn't worried that it would make my teeth fall out. I actually enjoyed my new apartment for the first time since moving here and appreciated how cozy it was without that feeling of dread lingering over everything. Exercising was actually fun and not a chore because my brain went to thinking of things I was excited for coming up rather than just hating myself. I feel like I have gotten my personality back after months of faking it. I am also so proud of myself for taking ownership of the situation and dealing with it! And now that I have a regular dentist and know I will be able to get a pill before an appointment, I cannot see myself putting it off like that again.

Going to bed now without crying for the first time in months, feeling so so lucky.

 

[Vaidile]

That's so great to hear! The feeling of relief is amazing, isn't it? And you will feel even better after the tartar is cleaned off. After my first cleaning last week I couldn't stop probing my teeth and wondering at all the nooks and crannies that were revealed.

You should absolutely be proud of yourself for facing this. Get some nice treat as a reward, you've earned it!