GoGetEmScouts
Junior member
- Joined
- May 23, 2020
- Messages
- 3
- Location
- Los Angeles, California
TW: Suicide, malpractice, trauma, fear of serious illness, serious dental problems.
Hello everyone.
This is probably going to be very long and parts of it may sound made up and though I am a professional writer for a living, I promise you it is all completely true. I'd first like to start off by thanking you all for the incredible support you give and the work you do here. I've come across this site at a truly desperate point in my life and it has been a great comfort to find that I am not alone in my suffering. Reading through the various threads and posts is what has given me the gumption to sign up and post, in what is hopefully the first step toward seeking treatment.
I am 31 years old. I have not been to a dentist since I was 16. I did not grow up with much money and as a result, dental visits weren't as regular as they probably should have been. I did not have my first bad experience until I was probably around 11. I had a filling put in and the anesthesia did not work. Felt the drilling the whole time. It was horrific pain. My pleas were ignored. However, this is not the main source of my phobia, I do not think, though I'm sure it plays a part.
When I was 12, I had very crooked teeth. I did not think too much about them. I did not like them, but I could live with them. The high cost of braces made them out of the question. That is, until my Godfather got involved. My Godfather is an argumentative, alcoholic jerk. He has never married and has few friends and as such, has a lot of money. Long story short, he essentially strong-armed my parents into getting me braces that they could not afford, by insisting he would pay for them as a "gift" for me. I think my parents saw it as a chance to get me something that otherwise might be out of reach for the rest of my life. My Godfather had had braces himself at age 30 and insisted we go to the same place he did. I can still remember the day of the consultation like it was yesterday. I was given an unpleasant examination and my mother was informed of the cost. It was even more expensive than she thought it would be. As my mother and I started to leave, the biller/consultant/accountant or whatever you want to call her, told my mother (with me in earshot) that my teeth were incredibly ugly and that it would affect the rest of my life if she did not get them "fixed." My mother took the papers, told her she would think it over and we left.
The next time we met up with my Godfather, he insisted we go through with the process. So we did. I had to have teeth extracted first. This was surprisingly not that bad/painful. However, when the first bill arrived, my Godfather insisted that he had never promised to pay for the braces and refused to contribute any money. I was now left with missing teeth and locked into a process that my Mom and Dad absolutely could not afford. This led to many an argument between them, which I felt largely responsible for. As part of my treatment, I was made to wear a Herbst appliance which made speaking and eating difficult. I already wore glasses, was small for my age and suffered from acne, so my confidence was below zero. I can distinctly remember the first time in my life I ever thought about killing myself. It was after a visit to that orthodontist. My mother and I pulled up to our driveway after the Herbst was put in my mouth. She had just put a large payment on the family credit card and I knew her and my father would be in a foul mood for the next few days as a result. I felt like it was all my fault. I asked to stay alone in the car for a bit and after my mom went inside, I tried to think of ways I could end my life. It was a passing thought, but it is one that my dental journey has led me to again and again.
Then the malpractice happened. The extremely unprofessional orthodontists somehow forgot about me. I guess I fell through the cracks. I didn't have another visit for a very long time, I think almost a year. When I did come back, they were horrified to see that they had left the Herbst in my mouth for apparently way longer than it was supposed to be in there. My mother was livid but the owner of the practice essentially threatened her, implying that she knew she had more money than we did due to us putting the braces on credit and that she'd be able to outlast us in court on legal fees alone. My mother, feeling this was true, acquiesced and my treatment proceeded after they cut the goddamn thing out of my mouth with some kind of power saw. I think the owner took note of me and considered me a problem, because she was not really known to do any hands on work at the place anymore, except when I came around. On more than one occasion I would be scheduled to have my braces examined by the only kindly man in the entirely place, only for him to be pushed aside by the owner upon seeing me. I can distinctly remember hearing the kindly man argue with his boss, stating that the owner did not need to be so harsh with me, only for her to remind him of his place, then personally tighten my braces to an excruciatingly painful extent which caused me to scream, while telling me to shut up and take some Advil. I always assumed that this was simply part of the orthodontic process, but as I got older and met other people who've had orthodontics, I quickly found out that none of them experienced much pain at all and that my experience was both atypical and apparently extremely cruel.
At the end of my treatment, I was about 16 years old. I was fitted with permanent retainers on both my upper and lower teeth. I objected to these. I remember begging them not to put them on as I didn't want to ever think about the place again, much less have a daily reminder for the rest of my life, but I was of course, ignored. These retainers are still in place and are probably one of the worst things to ever happen to me in my life as they made flossing incredibly difficult. When I left the orthodontist for the last time, I vowed never to go to any kind of dentist again if I could help it and I haven't. This was obviously not wise, but the trauma I endured there was simply too much to bear. My teeth were perfectly straight, but I hated them. I still hate them. Part of me thinks that my lack of care regarding them was a subconscious attempt to destroy them because I hate them so much. I have been incredibly self-conscious of my mouth in general since that day. From that day forward, I began taking great care to expose my teeth as little as possible when I spoke, resulting in me both becoming a mumbler and someone who speaks out of the corner of their mouth, not too dissimilar from Sylvester Stallone (a comparison more than one person has made). I also don't open my mouth when I smile, basically no matter what. And in fact, I really do not enjoy smiling at all. It makes me feel vulnerable and reminds me of the pain I went through.
Flash forward to today. I'm going to lay down another trigger warning here, just in case people don't want to hear the extent of my oral problems, but I'm going to put it all out there because I am hoping that someone might take pity on me or could c offer me some comfort, words of wisdom or encouragement of any kind. Just typing this out has my heart beating like a jack hammer and me in a cold sweat, but I feel like it's something I think I need to do.
I have not had my wisdom teeth out. I have an impacted one on the upper left side of my mouth, no wisdom tooth on the bottom left and two basically straight ones on the other side, though they did not fully erupt, I don't think. The one on the left seems to be moving a bit lately and as such, I'm having some truly exquisite pain on the left side of my mouth, though it seems to be pressing on all the upper teeth and some pain has even hit me on the right side on occasion. The left side of my tongue tingles off an on and has done so for years, which I understand is probably because the tooth is affecting the nerve. The pain and tingling are not constant, but have gotten significantly worse in the last month. I obviously need to have the tooth removed. However, this is not the bad part, in my opinion.
My front teeth have black along the gum line and between the teeth, both on the top and bottom. Amazingly, none of them are black or anything on the actual tooth, just yellow and I don't experience any real pain while eating. Additionally, I'm sure I have gum disease or an infection or what have you, as my gums are split and have receded in some spots. The area above my left canine in fact, has disturbingly so. The entire root seems to be exposed. I'm not sure why only that tooth is that way, but fortunately it is the only one. It causes me significant pain on an almost daily basis. There are some days where I have no pain whatsoever, strangely enough. I've treated any pain with ice, warm salt water rinse, the occasional bit of Orajel and ibuprofen and they can make things tolerable, but clearly these are merely treating the pain, not the underlying cause.
I have just been approved for government dental insurance. It covers quite a bit in my home state. However, the COVID crisis has made finding a dentist taking new patients difficult. Additionally, I experience paralyzing fear at the mere thought of a dentist. I can't even handle seeing them on TV or in movies. I go full blown panic attack and feel as though I am going to pass out when I do. I need to find a dentist who takes my insurance, specializes in traumatized patients like myself and is taking new patients. On top of everything, I am a worrier and borderline hypochondriac. I'm irrationally terrified I have mouth cancer or some kind of oral illness that is going to kill me or that I am going to lose all my teeth (which honestly, at this point, I don't know if that would even bother me as I've read many posts here in which forum members called getting dentures the best decision of their lives). My dental problems affect every aspect of my life. I have trouble sleeping. I have constant dental nightmares. I am frequently in debilitating pain and my self confidence is destroyed. I also do not feel like I can really talk to anyone about this in my personal life as I am so utterly ashamed that I've let things get this bad. I am afraid that a dentist is going to recoil in disgust upon looking in my mouth, tell me that I am the worst case that they have ever seen and cannot do anything for me (which I know is silly because I still have all my teeth and anything would be an improvement at this point but I can't help it) and they will simply ask me to leave and never return.
So there you have it. If you have any words of encouragement, advice, stories, just anything you'd like to share, I'd greatly appreciate it. The past few years have been pretty rough for me in basically every way but at the same time, I've made progress in my life with the things I can control. I lost 60 pounds. I began calorie counting and eating well and exercising again. I've almost paid off my student loans. I have had a small bit of success in my chosen field. I have things in about as good order as they can be and my oral health is the seemingly last obstacle keeping me from living a decently content life. I am tired of thinking of suicide when I brush my teeth. I want to get better. I really do. It would change my entire worldview.
Regardless, thank you for listening to me. You are all wonderful people and please keep doing what you're doing. People like me truly appreciate it.
Hello everyone.
This is probably going to be very long and parts of it may sound made up and though I am a professional writer for a living, I promise you it is all completely true. I'd first like to start off by thanking you all for the incredible support you give and the work you do here. I've come across this site at a truly desperate point in my life and it has been a great comfort to find that I am not alone in my suffering. Reading through the various threads and posts is what has given me the gumption to sign up and post, in what is hopefully the first step toward seeking treatment.
I am 31 years old. I have not been to a dentist since I was 16. I did not grow up with much money and as a result, dental visits weren't as regular as they probably should have been. I did not have my first bad experience until I was probably around 11. I had a filling put in and the anesthesia did not work. Felt the drilling the whole time. It was horrific pain. My pleas were ignored. However, this is not the main source of my phobia, I do not think, though I'm sure it plays a part.
When I was 12, I had very crooked teeth. I did not think too much about them. I did not like them, but I could live with them. The high cost of braces made them out of the question. That is, until my Godfather got involved. My Godfather is an argumentative, alcoholic jerk. He has never married and has few friends and as such, has a lot of money. Long story short, he essentially strong-armed my parents into getting me braces that they could not afford, by insisting he would pay for them as a "gift" for me. I think my parents saw it as a chance to get me something that otherwise might be out of reach for the rest of my life. My Godfather had had braces himself at age 30 and insisted we go to the same place he did. I can still remember the day of the consultation like it was yesterday. I was given an unpleasant examination and my mother was informed of the cost. It was even more expensive than she thought it would be. As my mother and I started to leave, the biller/consultant/accountant or whatever you want to call her, told my mother (with me in earshot) that my teeth were incredibly ugly and that it would affect the rest of my life if she did not get them "fixed." My mother took the papers, told her she would think it over and we left.
The next time we met up with my Godfather, he insisted we go through with the process. So we did. I had to have teeth extracted first. This was surprisingly not that bad/painful. However, when the first bill arrived, my Godfather insisted that he had never promised to pay for the braces and refused to contribute any money. I was now left with missing teeth and locked into a process that my Mom and Dad absolutely could not afford. This led to many an argument between them, which I felt largely responsible for. As part of my treatment, I was made to wear a Herbst appliance which made speaking and eating difficult. I already wore glasses, was small for my age and suffered from acne, so my confidence was below zero. I can distinctly remember the first time in my life I ever thought about killing myself. It was after a visit to that orthodontist. My mother and I pulled up to our driveway after the Herbst was put in my mouth. She had just put a large payment on the family credit card and I knew her and my father would be in a foul mood for the next few days as a result. I felt like it was all my fault. I asked to stay alone in the car for a bit and after my mom went inside, I tried to think of ways I could end my life. It was a passing thought, but it is one that my dental journey has led me to again and again.
Then the malpractice happened. The extremely unprofessional orthodontists somehow forgot about me. I guess I fell through the cracks. I didn't have another visit for a very long time, I think almost a year. When I did come back, they were horrified to see that they had left the Herbst in my mouth for apparently way longer than it was supposed to be in there. My mother was livid but the owner of the practice essentially threatened her, implying that she knew she had more money than we did due to us putting the braces on credit and that she'd be able to outlast us in court on legal fees alone. My mother, feeling this was true, acquiesced and my treatment proceeded after they cut the goddamn thing out of my mouth with some kind of power saw. I think the owner took note of me and considered me a problem, because she was not really known to do any hands on work at the place anymore, except when I came around. On more than one occasion I would be scheduled to have my braces examined by the only kindly man in the entirely place, only for him to be pushed aside by the owner upon seeing me. I can distinctly remember hearing the kindly man argue with his boss, stating that the owner did not need to be so harsh with me, only for her to remind him of his place, then personally tighten my braces to an excruciatingly painful extent which caused me to scream, while telling me to shut up and take some Advil. I always assumed that this was simply part of the orthodontic process, but as I got older and met other people who've had orthodontics, I quickly found out that none of them experienced much pain at all and that my experience was both atypical and apparently extremely cruel.
At the end of my treatment, I was about 16 years old. I was fitted with permanent retainers on both my upper and lower teeth. I objected to these. I remember begging them not to put them on as I didn't want to ever think about the place again, much less have a daily reminder for the rest of my life, but I was of course, ignored. These retainers are still in place and are probably one of the worst things to ever happen to me in my life as they made flossing incredibly difficult. When I left the orthodontist for the last time, I vowed never to go to any kind of dentist again if I could help it and I haven't. This was obviously not wise, but the trauma I endured there was simply too much to bear. My teeth were perfectly straight, but I hated them. I still hate them. Part of me thinks that my lack of care regarding them was a subconscious attempt to destroy them because I hate them so much. I have been incredibly self-conscious of my mouth in general since that day. From that day forward, I began taking great care to expose my teeth as little as possible when I spoke, resulting in me both becoming a mumbler and someone who speaks out of the corner of their mouth, not too dissimilar from Sylvester Stallone (a comparison more than one person has made). I also don't open my mouth when I smile, basically no matter what. And in fact, I really do not enjoy smiling at all. It makes me feel vulnerable and reminds me of the pain I went through.
Flash forward to today. I'm going to lay down another trigger warning here, just in case people don't want to hear the extent of my oral problems, but I'm going to put it all out there because I am hoping that someone might take pity on me or could c offer me some comfort, words of wisdom or encouragement of any kind. Just typing this out has my heart beating like a jack hammer and me in a cold sweat, but I feel like it's something I think I need to do.
I have not had my wisdom teeth out. I have an impacted one on the upper left side of my mouth, no wisdom tooth on the bottom left and two basically straight ones on the other side, though they did not fully erupt, I don't think. The one on the left seems to be moving a bit lately and as such, I'm having some truly exquisite pain on the left side of my mouth, though it seems to be pressing on all the upper teeth and some pain has even hit me on the right side on occasion. The left side of my tongue tingles off an on and has done so for years, which I understand is probably because the tooth is affecting the nerve. The pain and tingling are not constant, but have gotten significantly worse in the last month. I obviously need to have the tooth removed. However, this is not the bad part, in my opinion.
My front teeth have black along the gum line and between the teeth, both on the top and bottom. Amazingly, none of them are black or anything on the actual tooth, just yellow and I don't experience any real pain while eating. Additionally, I'm sure I have gum disease or an infection or what have you, as my gums are split and have receded in some spots. The area above my left canine in fact, has disturbingly so. The entire root seems to be exposed. I'm not sure why only that tooth is that way, but fortunately it is the only one. It causes me significant pain on an almost daily basis. There are some days where I have no pain whatsoever, strangely enough. I've treated any pain with ice, warm salt water rinse, the occasional bit of Orajel and ibuprofen and they can make things tolerable, but clearly these are merely treating the pain, not the underlying cause.
I have just been approved for government dental insurance. It covers quite a bit in my home state. However, the COVID crisis has made finding a dentist taking new patients difficult. Additionally, I experience paralyzing fear at the mere thought of a dentist. I can't even handle seeing them on TV or in movies. I go full blown panic attack and feel as though I am going to pass out when I do. I need to find a dentist who takes my insurance, specializes in traumatized patients like myself and is taking new patients. On top of everything, I am a worrier and borderline hypochondriac. I'm irrationally terrified I have mouth cancer or some kind of oral illness that is going to kill me or that I am going to lose all my teeth (which honestly, at this point, I don't know if that would even bother me as I've read many posts here in which forum members called getting dentures the best decision of their lives). My dental problems affect every aspect of my life. I have trouble sleeping. I have constant dental nightmares. I am frequently in debilitating pain and my self confidence is destroyed. I also do not feel like I can really talk to anyone about this in my personal life as I am so utterly ashamed that I've let things get this bad. I am afraid that a dentist is going to recoil in disgust upon looking in my mouth, tell me that I am the worst case that they have ever seen and cannot do anything for me (which I know is silly because I still have all my teeth and anything would be an improvement at this point but I can't help it) and they will simply ask me to leave and never return.
So there you have it. If you have any words of encouragement, advice, stories, just anything you'd like to share, I'd greatly appreciate it. The past few years have been pretty rough for me in basically every way but at the same time, I've made progress in my life with the things I can control. I lost 60 pounds. I began calorie counting and eating well and exercising again. I've almost paid off my student loans. I have had a small bit of success in my chosen field. I have things in about as good order as they can be and my oral health is the seemingly last obstacle keeping me from living a decently content life. I am tired of thinking of suicide when I brush my teeth. I want to get better. I really do. It would change my entire worldview.
Regardless, thank you for listening to me. You are all wonderful people and please keep doing what you're doing. People like me truly appreciate it.
,
