Is it Appropriate to Send a Friendly 'Reminder' Note to My Dentist?

[shamrockerin]

I'm both anxious and excited for you-- anxious because I know how terrifying it is to be at this point, waiting. But excited because I'm so confident you will have a good experience and will soon be on the other side and free from all the stress. Hang in there!!!

Thank you, Steve. I know you finished your big round of dental work so you're probably not on here as often, but I am glad you're here now and chiming in with your support. You were the first person to respond to my first post here, and I have always appreciated your comments.

I am dreading this appointment because it seems as though even the best possible scenario (no pain at all, and gentle dentist and compassionate treatment) still has a downside: it will make me even more angry and resentful, even all these years later, about the last RCT when my comfort and feelings were not considered at all. Also, it is still going to need a crown afterwards, which was the worst part of the whole process for me last time because that dentist wasn't just oblivious or inattentive, I think she was actually a sadist!

Nonetheless, I know it needs to get done, and the worry and panic and sleeplessness is completely draining me, so I hope afterwards I will just feel relieved, able to get a good night's sleep again, and relatively free from pain. I am really hoping that the will be the worst part.

 

[chickenjen]

Thanks everyone. The letter is all sealed and ready to go, but I think I am going to mail it on Thursday (the office is closed Fri, Sat and Sun) so that it will arrive Monday, a couple days before my appt.

I am very nervous to send yet another letter to my dentist because it felt weird enough to send the first one. I am hoping I get a good response. I also hope the part about the jokes doesn't sound accusatory; nobody has ever said anything bad, I guess I just can't deal with even minor jokes or remarks when I am there because all my defenses are up. . .

I actually Googled "letter to dentist" when I started writing this just to make sure my letter sounded polite and professional, and many of the results that came up were letters from dentists to patients, dismissing them from care. So now I have another weird pseudo-fear- are they going to get fed up with me and tell me to get lost????

I can only assume that the patients being dismissed by these dentists were incredibly inappropriate or refusing to pay for services. .but I don't know if perhaps a patient could be dismissed just because of contrary personalities or being too "high maintenance"?

Thoughts???

I agree with gettingthere, I think the people that get booted out of a dentist's practice are ones that physically or verbally abuse the staff or dentist.
Your letter is a polite, well-written article of what you need from your dental staff to make your appointment as smooth as possible for you.
I don't think you get thrown out of a dental office just because you have written down what you need from the dental staff to make the visit easier on you.
Again, .

 

[shamrockerin]

Thank you to everyone who has offered their thoughts and support. I think the hardest thing about going to the dentist is re-living the panic and anxiety every time I need to go, and the fear or re-living the painful experiences in my past. Even though none of my appointments so far have been painful (perhaps uncomfortable, but not physically painful) I am gripped with the fear of having another horrible experience, at times it is almost paralyzing.

I really need this appointment to go well. I need to be able to separate this new dentist from the bad ones in my past, and I need to start trusting him a little. I am afraid that if it does not go well, I will be even more traumatized and will never be able to go back to any dentist.

It feels like the weight of the world is riding on this appointment.

 

[iDent]

I don't think your letter is inappropriate, but if you're still concerned, you may want to PM one (or more) of the forum dentists for input.

Regarding your upcoming appointment, remember: just as things often don't go as well as we hope, they also rarely turn out as badly as we fear. It's always been easy for me to imagine best case/worst case scenarios, and took me YEARS to learn that what actually happens is rarely as positively or negatively exciting as I anticipate!

 

[shamrockerin]

remember: just as things often don't go as well as we hope, they also rarely turn out as badly as we fear. It's always been easy for me to imagine best case/worst case scenarios, and took me YEARS to learn that what actually happens is rarely as positively or negatively exciting as I anticipate!

Do I detect a note of worry or warning????

Like, I shouldn't get my hopes up too high because the appointment might not go as smoothly as I hope???

Or is it me, just over-analyzing and rushing to my defenses????

I am trying to envision a good (as good as RCT can be anyways) appointment, but I keep catching myself imagining a repeat of my last one. I don't even know what I am thinking anymore, so it's quote possible I am not understanding you correctly.

 

[iDent]

Do I detect a note of worry or warning????

Like, I shouldn't get my hopes up too high because the appointment might not go as smoothly as I hope???

Or is it me, just over-analyzing and rushing to my defenses????

I am trying to envision a good (as good as RCT can be anyways) appointment, but I keep catching myself imagining a repeat of my last one. I don't even know what I am thinking anymore, so it's quote possible I am not understanding you correctly.

After years of living with ADD (which sometimes causes me to imagine unlikely best-case scenarios) and anxiety disorders (ditto for worst-case scenarios), I've learned that "good" things (e.g. trying new activities) rarely go as well as I hope, and "bad" things (e.g. dental appointments!) rarely go as badly as I fear. After years of experience imagining best-case and worst-case scenarios, and having finally learned that moderation is usually the rule, "things rarely go as well as I hope nor as badly as I fear" has just become one of my real-life mantras. It doesn't mean at all that stereotypically "bad" things like RCT can't go relatively well, only that RCT will probably never again proceed as negatively for you as it did when you were an adolescent.

Chances are that your upcoming RCT will most likely be routine. Although you probably won't enjoy it, it also won't be nearly as negative as what you're imagining. When it's over, you may find that your life has changed for the better.

 

[shamrockerin]

After years of living with ADD (which sometimes causes me to imagine unlikely best-case scenarios) and anxiety disorders (ditto for worst-case scenarios), I've learned that "good" things (e.g. trying new activities) rarely go as well as I hope, and "bad" things (e.g. dental appointments!) rarely go as badly as I fear.

I think I get what you're saying here about trying new activities; The first time I tried surfing, I imagined it was going to be alot of fun and that I would be able to at least get up on my feet. . .instead, I never got past my knees and I had a major wipeout because the waves were rough that day. Nevertheless, it was fun and I am glad I tried it.

Chances are that your upcoming RCT will most likely be routine. Although you probably won't enjoy it, it also won't be nearly as negative as what you're imagining. When it's over, you may find that your life has changed for the better.

I think I can say with 100% certainty that I will not enjoy this RCT appointment. Even if I am lucky and feel no pain at all, it will still be 2 hours of intense anxiety. Many people say that they grab onto the arm rests or dig their nails into them, but I am a perfect picture of panic in the chair: my knees are drawn all the way up because I cannot even relax enough to stretch them out properly, my arms are crossed, and my nails are firmly inserted into my arms on either side, even just for cleanings.

I am not optimistic enough to think that this is going to change my life; even if it goes remarkably well then I know that I will still be facing more work relatively soon afterwards and then the panic just begins all over again. . .I am just hoping that if this appointment goes better than my last RCT, then the bad memories of that one will not seem as powerful.

I have heard various people's experiences with RCT: my father-in-law had one a few months ago and told me he never felt a thing-lucky him! More people say that although it is "uncomfortable" that it is not really painful, and some people say that they did have some painful moments, but that if the dentist is compassionate, then this was recognized and quickly rectified. And then there are others like myself, who seem to have had terrible experiences that haunt them and cause or contribute to their phobia.

I know there is a whole range of possibilities for how this appointment will proceed and there is no way i can know ahead of time which one will play out. . .I'm just trying to get through the next week. . .

 

[gettingthere]

Thank you, Gettingthere. I know it is kind of paranoid, but I would be really embarrassed if I was asked to leave a dental office's care. In most other areas of my life, I think I am pretty reasonable, even laid-back, but I just feel like such a high-maintenance patient that once that thought got into my head, it was hard to get out.

Apologies. I wrote that reply so quickly yesterday and afterwards was kicking myself for the way I had worded it. I did not intend to plant any notion that you might be blacklisted from the dental practice and meant to emphasise that when this happens, it will be for much worse crimes that trying to explain your fears in a letter. I was actually removed from my childhood dental practice when I was around 18 - they sent me a very officious letter stating that I clearly didn't care about my dental health and had failed to attend an appointment for four years so now I was an adult I was on my own... To be honest that was the best news I had ever received! Now, I think I would be mortified and devastated to be cut off.

As Steve has said, you really need to focus on being proud of yourself for taking this step towards controlling the dental environment in your favour. Do also bear in mind (but don;t fixate on it!) that the dentist or one of his team may want to call you in advance to discuss the letter - if this happens, it is a good thing. He will be taking your fears seriously and trying to get as much information as he can to help you. In the same way, however, he may not mention it at all, and this is not necessarily a bad thing as it may mean that he has all the information he needs to understand how to put you at your ease and may think that putting your fears in a letter rather than calling is indicative that you don't want to discuss it in person so not acknowledging it could be his way of actually acknowledging it (if you see what I mean) and allowing you to be more comfortable and less self-concious.

I've not had a RCT but in a way I wish I had confused so that I could reassure you about the procedure. As such, all I can do is reassure you that many dentists are actually nice people who do want to help. You are doing the right thing, however, in focusing on the replacing of old painful memories with new more positive experiences and in time this will help you become more relaxed even if it seems a long way off for now.

 

[shamrockerin]

Apologies. I wrote that reply so quickly yesterday and afterwards was kicking myself for the way I had worded it. I did not intend to plant any notion that you might be blacklisted from the dental practice and meant to emphasise that when this happens, it will be for much worse crimes that trying to explain your fears in a letter.

No worries. I understood what you meant, and I was not at all alarmed or offended.

I just cannot help but wonder what they will think upon receiving a second letter from me. They must think that I am schizophrenic or something because my letters are well-written, and I think/hope they make me sound like an educated, intelligent, rational person. And when I speak to the receptionist over the phone, I can calmly discuss insurance/billing/appointment times/etc. . .I can even crack a joke or two with her!

But the person they (dentist and assistant) see is defensive and sarcastic and incredibly tense. . .it's just another problem of the phobia I suppose. . .when confronting this fear I do not even feel like myself, let alone act like myself.

This is the most effort I have ever made (it's the most I've ever HAD to make!) to overcome this fear, and I still worry that it won't be enough or that it won't make a difference.

 

[shamrockerin]

Well, the letter is in the mail, so there's no going back now.

The office is only 30 mins. away from me, so it will arrive there either today or tomorrow. Luckily, the office is closed Fridays-Sundays, so they won't see it until Monday, and that's if they read it right away. (I have no idea how much mail a typical dental office receives.)

I really hope that my letter communicates all my concerns and I hope they do not interpret it as a complaint or an accusation of any sort; I really did try to make it as polite and diplomatic as I could without sounding over the top.

I won't know how it's received though until Thursday morning.

 

[Sparkles]

Well done for sending the letter, I know how nerve wracking it is. I really hope you get positive feedback from it. I'm sure you will.

 

[shamrockerin]

Well done for sending the letter, I know how nerve wracking it is. I really hope you get positive feedback from it. I'm sure you will.

I hope so too. I am worried it will be misinterpreted and/ro they will get defensive. I know it is very easu for people to get defensive; I should know! Whenever I am there, I feel like everything they say or do is about me personally, even though I realize that it's likely not about me and is just another part of their day/job.

 

[Sparkles]

I understand completely. I email my current dentist frequently but I still worry that maybe i've worded something wrong, that he will misunderstand and be angry with me, or think i'm being rude or many other things!

He never is. He always says it helps him understand how I feel and what it is i'm most frightened of for that particular appointment. So then he is prepared with possible solutions.

Try not to worry too much. You've done what is right for you in order to explain your fears and needs. I'm sure they will be pleased to know how you feel and it will help them to help you.

 

[shamrockerin]

I understand completely. I email my current dentist frequently but I still worry that maybe i've worded something wrong, that he will misunderstand and be angry with me, or think i'm being rude or many other things!

He never is. He always says it helps him understand how I feel and what it is i'm most frightened of for that particular appointment. So then he is prepared with possible solutions.

Try not to worry too much. You've done what is right for you in order to explain your fears and needs. I'm sure they will be pleased to know how you feel and it will help them to help you.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I hope my dental staff is as understanding as yours seems to be. I have only sent 2 letters to the office thus far, and I know how hard I tried to word things nicely and how many times I revised the letter to make it as best as it can be, but obviously no one else knows that.

I think the part I was most worried about in the letter is my request for them to please not make jokes. Like I said before, it's not that anyone has ever said anything horrible to me, it's just little comments that are supposed to be funny or ironic I guess. For my second cleaning, the hygienist was like "TA-DA! (about the chair) You're favorite place to be!" She knows how anxious I am, so it seemed like she was making fun of me, even though she was probably just trying to make a joke.

I know that I am just an anxious over-sensitive patient, but I just felt I needed to tell them how hard it is for me just to be there, let alone hear 'jokes' about my anxiety. Despite my letter, I am still a little worried that the assistant will try another joke or comment, but I guess there is no way for me to know that util Thursday.