New and fearful - feel stupid and alone

[calypso]

Hi, my name is Calypso. I'm 53 years old and I'm a dental phobic. I don't have anyone to talk to about this who would even begin to understand because they all go to the dentist regularly and seem to have no fear of it. I would love to share my fear and talk it over with my mother, but she is elderly and I don't want to worry her or upset her, and so I feel very alone with my fear.

There's no reason in my past that would cause me to have this fear. I never had any dental problems growing up. I didn't have to have braces as my teeth were (and are) straight. I had one filling as a teenager. Somewhere along the lines it was just that I dropped the ball. Mostly, I guess it was because I took my teeth (and gums) for granted and so I began to skip visits. Now I feel stupid, ashamed and embarrassed. I don't want to be looked at or treated as someone ignorant of proper dental care. I know what to do

My last dental appointment was 12 years ago and prior to that it was 9 years. 12 years ago the dentist told me that he would be surprised if I ever had a cavity with the type of teeth I had (?) and I guess that helped me along with the "take them for granted thing" although he did say I had some issues with bleeding gums. Now I do have problems. For one thing I have a toothache in a lower molar which tends to feel better when I do a deep clean around it for some reason. For another, and a more major thing, I have a severely receding gum, which bleeds easily, especially when I'm stressed, behind my back top molar -the molar also has a large cavity, and I think at one time I had a chronic abscess there because it was terribly swollen and the tooth hurt, but antibiotics (for something else) seemed to clear that up. I am petrified that this is really bad news for me. There, I've said it all.

I suppose the positive news is that over the years I stepped up my dental hygiene and the rest of my gums don't seem to bleed now, even when I do floss, which is not regular, but I am a good brusher. I like to brush my teeth. I also have a waterpick. My big fear is what the dentist will tell me - extractions, bone/gum grafts, lots of cavities, root canals or worse. I think it's also that I just think it means I'm a failure - and I suppose I have been by not going to the dentist. It's not so much the work to be done. I just don't want them to talk about what they are going to do. I guess it's pretty stupid to be afraid of what they will tell me. I hope I will get myself to be brave like so many of you and visit the dentist.

 

[carol999]

Hi Calypso and . This is the first step so a big well done. Everything you are feeling now we have all felt/feel so you are not alone. I was the same I left my teeth because I couldnt face up to it, but I am now and so are you. The first step is finding the right dentist, someone who understands and is gentle. You need to put your health before your fear not the other way round. You may well be surprised at what they can do these days !! - and it does sound like you have strong teeth so go and get things sorted OK. Looking forward to hearing more of your journey. You can do this and we are all behind you, well done

 

[coolin]

I don't have anyone to talk to about this who would even begin to understand because they all go to the dentist regularly and seem to have no fear of it.

Well now you have us . And probably you have some people in your life who are dental phobic too. I have since discovered 3 other people in my life who are/were phobic. One is 'recovered' and the other 2 are still 'avoiders'. The only reason I found out about their phobia is because I started talking about my ongoing treatment and phobia. Previously (while I was an 'avoider') I would just have never had that conversation as I avoided all talk about teeth and dentists.

Mostly, I guess it was because I took my teeth (and gums) for granted and so I began to skip visits. Now I feel stupid, ashamed and embarrassed. I don't want to be looked at or treated as someone ignorant of proper dental care. I know what to do

Yes that was me. In my non dental life I was a responsible professional, a mother, a wife and to make it slightly worse I work in healthcare. My teeth were my great shame. Like you I knew what to do. But you know, a good dentist will not berate you and tell you off - he or she will just want to sort out your teeth and get you back to being dentally healthy.
To be honest - from what you have said - it doesn't sound like there is very much wrong with your teeth. You just need to take the first step and like carol999 said find the right dentist. Look on here for recommendations, ask around your friends. Maybe make the first contact by email and explain your fears.
Good luck

 

[calypso]

Thank you Carole and Coolin. I appreciate the responses.

You need to put your health before your fear not the other way round. You may well be surprised at what they can do these days !! - and it does sound like you have strong teeth so go and get things sorted OK.

Thanks, Carole, I realize that I need to do this, and I have been researching area dentists on line -even emergency ones- and think I have found one who seems to meet all the criteria, but then I started reading about all the new patient exams they perform there and I started to feel anxious. (I sometimes have anxiety issues anyway.) My teeth do seem to be strong, but I don't think my gums are, particularly in that one area. I have worked hard to get the rest of the gums in pretty good shape. Even the one around my toothache didn't bleed, which I consider a small triumph, since my gums used to bleed quite a bit when I brushed. I have bruxism which can make me more susceptible to cracks, and in turn, cavities I suppose. Things seem to be worse as I have gotten older. I also have mandibular tori, but I figured if I have to have a bone graft or gum graft then I've got plenty to spare. I am lucky that my teeth are straight.

Yes that was me. In my non dental life I was a responsible professional, a mother, a wife and to make it slightly worse I work in healthcare. My teeth were my great shame. Like you I knew what to do. But you know, a good dentist will not berate you and tell you off - he or she will just want to sort out your teeth and get you back to being dentally healthy. To be honest - from what you have said - it doesn't sound like there is very much wrong with your teeth.

Thanks Coolin, that made me smile. In my non-dental life, I am a responsible, educated professional, too, and to make it worse, I work in the cosmetics industry where everyone goes to the dentist for those bright, white teeth (I'm lucky mine aren't too yellowed or stained) One would never guess I had this fear by looking at me. My teeth don't look especially bad, but I'm so concerned about the gum issue in the back. I realize the molar will need to go. Fine. I'm okay with that. I am not okay with the serious recession and have convinced myself that if that molar goes then they all will up there because the gum next to the back tooth is half the size of the opposite side's. Frankly, I'm amazed this back tooth hasn't fallen out.

Anyway, thanks again. It's nice to know I'm not alone with this fear.

 

[Patti]

Dear Calypso,


Your story sounds very similar to mine. I am almost 49. My parents never took me to a dentist. Not even for checkups. I don't understand why since neither of them had good teeth. My mother had dentures at 18! Mthen first time I ever went I was in my late teens or early 20s. I had lots of friends who spent their formative years in a dental chair and I guess I knew I should go. I went for a cleaning and all I remember was that it hurt and I vowed never to go back. I had straight nice looking teeth too so like you, it was easy for me to avoid it. later my 2 upper wisdom teeth gave me a lot of trouble and I still didn't go to a dentist. They eventually broke off and are now under the gum. I remember suffering with those. I chose to live with pain instead of seeing a dentist because I was afraid of pain in the dental chair. Doesn't make sense, does it? I had my daughter in 1990 and made sure I took her so she wouldn't have the same fear I do. She has had extensive procedures including orthodontics. To went on through my life avoiding but again, no pain and my teeth look good. No real problems. Then 6 years ago I broke a top tooth that was visible when I smiled. My husband made an appointment for me right away with my daughters dentist and she fixed the tooth. I was amazed at how painless and quick it was. I wasn't even bothered by the shots. Truth be told, had that tooth not been visible, I may not have gone. Right after that I had another tooth filled. I don't remember why or much about it. I was just starting to gain confidence--in myself and in dentistry in general but like you, I dropped the ball. Then this April I went back. My bottom molar had a biggish cavity and food was getting stuck in it and the molar with the filling was pressure sensitive. I waltzed into the dentists office without thinking twice thinking I was only looking at a couple fillings. I WAS WRONG. The bottom molar needed a root canal and a crown and the top molar needed a crown. I doubled up and hyperventilated in the dentists office. First of all, this would be $2700 to fix 2 teeth. But mostly, ROOT CANAL scared the wits out of me! She said the only other alternative was extraction. I asked her what she would do and she said pull it. She said she wouldn't address the crown until I came backmfor a full exam and X-rays because she saw other "issues" upon a "quick look.". I didn't ask her what she saw because by then I'd heard enough.


She referred me to an oral surgeon and I made the appointment. I had to wait 3 weeks and you can read threads here how terrified I was about it. I got a lot of support here and the people here are amazing and wonderful. Both my parents and husband wear dentures and I guess didn't understand my fears about getting ONE TOOTH pulled.


I made it through the extraction. Yes I was scared but it was fast and painless. I took 2 Xanax ahead of the appointment (to get me in the door) and Niterous during the extraction (to keep me in the chair). The entire process took maybe 20 minutes. The actual extraction took about 4 minutes. The longest part was waiting to get numb. The first round of injections didn't numb me so I got more and that was before he started. I never felt pain and the Niterous made me not care about what was happening. I will not say it was fun but it was not the nightmare I'd made it out to be. I had very little discomfort afterwards but in case, they gave me Vicodin and Motrin 800. They make sure you're covered.


I gave myself a break after that before going back to the dentist but I didn't want to go back to the same one. I wasn't happy with how she treated me about the root canal. She knew I was terrified of it, yet never bothered to explain the procedure to me. And when I asked her about an extraction, she told me I'd feel pressure and when I asked her what that felt like, she compared it tomthenpressure you feel in child birth! I recall 12 straight hours of pain during child birth. I am here to tell you it was nothing at all like that! It was 3 seconds of feeling something moving (my tooth) but it didn't hurt. Like touching your foot after it has fallen asleep. Other than that, I felt nothing.


I felt like this dentist didn't want to bother taking any time with me. And her assistant had taken a piece of food stuck I the tooth and said EEEEW! THERE'S FOOD IN THERE! She made me feel stupid and dirty. Also, this same dentist told my daughter she had 7 cavities. My daughter didn't believe it, bought a copy of her X-rays and took them to another dentist who said they could only find ONE! Hey, dentistry is a business and this one just moved to a fancier office. I'm just saying. But I wanted someone who would understand my fears and not remind me that if I could endure childbirth, I can surely endure dental treatment.


I decided to see a different dentist. Luckily my uncles best friend is a dentist. Even luckier, I know him as a child and he is a nice, caring, honest person. A lot of my family members see him and he came highly recommended. I made an appointment for a consultation. I faxed him a 3 page letter about my history, fears and concerns. My 2 main concerns were feeling pain during a procedure and facing a mountain of problems. I didn't think I could handle it and I would run.


I don't handle anxiety well at all. I had already list 15 pounds with all of the tooth drama and needed Xanax to function. It consumed me. People in my life were accusing me of making a mountain out of a mole hill. But realistically, I didn't think I could avoid the dentist for this many years and come out of it with a handful of fillings.


My first appointment was Wednesday. All me did was answer questions and did an exam (X-rays are next Wednesday). Here is what he told me:


He said he didn't think I was looking at a mountain... More like a hill. He said some people have good teeth and gum genes. I don't know how or from who!


Without the X-rays he couldn't tell me anything for sure BUT he said he didn't think a root canal would be in the picture. I'm still not sure since I have another molar twinging like the last one did---so still nervous.


He can fix the other filling instead of a crown. I'll need a crown somewhere down the road but not now. This tells me second opinions are a good thing. The last dentist just wanted to sell me a crown NOW.


He does not believe in pain in dentistry. Pain is a thing of the past because of all the good numbing agents we have now. NOVICAIN isn't even used anymore. There are things now far better than that.


Root canal has a bad reputation because back in the day, they would treat infected teeth. If there is an infection, you can't get numb. Now they get rid of the infection first with antibiotics. I've talked to several people who have had root canal treatment and said it was painless. Sore afterwards sometimes, but there are pain killers for that.


You need to interview dentists and find one who cares, not just views their patients as a set of teeth with a wallet attached. I have to say after that consultation I haven't needed a xanax and I would have let him work on me right then and there. He has my trust. YOU NEED TO FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST. If they won't do a free consultation, move on.


He told me he would prescribe Xanax for appointments if I wanted, and he has nitrous available. He does not do any sedation dentistry, which isnfine because iI'd rather not gomthat route. He also told me that Waterlase dentistry is not that effective and cannot replace the drill and it's still all about technique anyway. My uncle told me this dentist can give a painless injection and he doesn't use the wand. It depends on how gentle they are and if they are willing to take their time.


So, I am now on the road to climbing that hill. Am I still scared? You bet! Even if it is only a hill it still feels like a mountain. But I feel a lot more confident and a little less afraid. I will do this even if it means one tooth at a time. I am still afraid of root canal therapy but if it has to be, it has to be. I can't keep pulling teeth to avoid it. But you can bet I will shop for a very good endodontist.


Don't be ashamed of your fear. We don't choose it and I don't really think anyone judges us--they just don't understand it. I think everyone is afraid of something whether they admit it or not. Nobody ever knew how extensive my fear is until recently because I never talked about it before.


If you ever want to talk, I'm here. You can private message me if you want. We can all climb our hills together. (((HUGS)))

 

[calypso]

Thanks so much, Patti. I don't stress too much about my teeth, just my gums. And I am so stressed after discovering that awful recession and I think there is infection as well. Sometimes I wish for a sinus infection so I can use antibiotics, which I have taken only once in 25 years - haven't needed them for anything. The last time was three years ago when the dermatologist removed a small sebaceous cyst which had become slightly infected. The added benefit was that it seemed to clear up that chronic abscess.

When I went to that dentist twelve years ago, I really did not like his manner or that of his hygenist, and I'd gone there years before and had decided to return there when I moved back to the area. I felt they were judgmental and I just ...didn't go back for anything further. I felt kind of hurt. I have read that people who tend to social anxiety feel more dental fears because they feel judged. I don't know if that is true, but I tend to be a shy person. I don't expect to be coddled, and I do know this is my fault, but I'd rather not be treated like an aberration. Quite recently I hand injury and had to see a hand surgeon. Here I was with my finger that had been seriously dislocated, been reset in an emergency room and was still quite bruised when I visited the surgeon as requested by the hospital and the first thing the hand doctor said to me was "You bite your nails. You need to stop that. You're a grown woman." Humiliated much? I still have to see him but I'm so self-conscious now. And so for some reason, I feel like people with severe gum disease are looked on as "unclean," where as people with tooth decay are just "negligent."

 

[Patti]

I think I have what is called white coat syndrome. I stay away from doctors too. I'm afraid of... PROCEDURES!
I'm not afraid of needles, although I was as a kid. I think I nailed down where it all came from too. When I was 4 my parents took me to an allergist. They did the scratch tests on my back but some were injections. I was screaming and flailing. I REMEMBER IT ALL LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY. They put me in a pediatric straight jacket and 2 nurses, the doctor and both of parents were holding me down. It has to be that, or I wouldn't remember it to this day and I do. I can even tell you what the room looked like. (I got over the fear of needles when I was pregnant with my daughter--so many blood tests, etc... The fear eventually wore off.) I'm glad of that since the dental injections don't really even phase me.

As for the dentist, I'm not sure why I'm afraid? Probably the fear of the unknown. That and I had friends in high school who spent their formative years in a dentist chair and I must have heard their dramatic horror stories. Then again, back then (70's/80s) dentistry wasn't like it is now. We have much better stuff now. With the 2 fillings I've had and the extraction I can honestly say I never felt any pain. Yet... still afraid. I don't even understand myself sometimes!

I have no social anxiety at all, and don't care much about what other people think, really, so it's not that for me. Although, I did not like what that dental assistant said. There was no need for it. I explained when I got there WHY I was there--because food was getting caught in the tooth, so her little "EWWWW there's food in there!" was unnecessary. The place I'm at now has an older staff--I like that better--and they never judged. I explained myself and that was it.

In February, I went to a clinic with a pain the rib cage area from unloading heavy grocery bags out of my trunk and twisting the wrong way. I have a weak back and this happens. I got a young doctor who was mean and would not listen to my symptoms as I was trying to explain. He was ignoring me, told me it was my gallbladder and that it would need to be removed. HE SAID ALL THIS WITHOUT ANY TESTS. It scared the hell out of me! I didn't have a doctor of record (because I avoid that you know!) so I went to my mom's doctor who had extensive tests done. I was told what I had WAS NOT a gallbladder attack (it lasted 5 days!) and that it was in fact a muscle pull. Now, I did find out my gallbladder is MILDLY SLOW but that was a lucky guess on that doctor's part but he still misdiagnosed me and my gallbladder did not need to come out. But that's what a crappy doctor can do--cause stress. I'm a bit feisty, so if it were me (instead of you) about the finger nail biting, I would have snapped back, "Thanks, I'm aware, now can you please look at my finger?"

Right after the gallbladder incident was the tooth incident. I'll tell you--I have had my fair share of stress and anxiety this year to last a lifetime!

It is wrong for people to assume that people with tooth decay are negligent. I would have a million dollar smile right now if it weren't for the fear. It's not that I didn't WANT to go to the dentist. I DID! But I was too afraid. It was all I could do to muster up enough courage to go when there was an emergency. I envy people with perfectly straight bright white teeth. Mine aren't bad looking at all but they're not perfectly straight and bright white either.

Now, I will also tell you that before my dentist looked in my mouth, I had all sorts of things going on in my head. I was certain I had gum disease. (I don't. I don't know why I thought I did?) ALL MY TEETH HURT. Even the one that's not there anymore! (When I get anxious, my teeth will hurt, my tongue will burn, I will get a metallic taste in my mouth.) I thought things were much worse than he thought they were. I get my x-rays next wednesday and all I'm praying for is no root canal. Still scared of that--don't know why. I didn't think I would feel better after the meeting with him but I do. I would have let him work on me right then and there so the first meeting was positive. My point is, things might not be as bad as you THINK they are. We tend to think the absolute worst when we obsess. I know this and do it anyway! It got so bad I could not function without Xanax or Ativan. I haven't needed one since my meeting with my dentist on Wednesday. This is not to say I won't need one after the x-ray results or during the deep cleaning I will have to have that I'm nervous about but somehow I'll have to get through this. Things won't get any better if I don't and I'll be facing much worse. I am already kicking myself now for not addressing this dental stuff a long time ago. I am very lucky to have pretty good looking teeth.

 

[carol999]

Hi Calypso just wanted you to know I was thinking of you

 

[calypso]

Hi Calypso just wanted you to know I was thinking of you

Thank you. I hope things go well for you.

It's not my teeth that are the real issue; it's my gums. They don't bleed and are pink, except in that very back location where there are definite pockets on each side of the very back molar, but I know there is an infection in that area, too. I'm so glad I'm single at the moment. I would not want to inflict that on anyone.

 

[carol999]

Hi Calypso, yes I think society is very judgemental towards people with 'unsightly' teeth, so the least you van do for yourself and is to stop judging yourself and banging your head against a brick wall. None of this is your fault, you didn't sit down and make a conscious decision to live with gum disease and tooth decay. You have a real fear that has prevented you from addressing these issues....and now you are on the first step to a healthy mouth because it really helps to talk about these things. Have you had any more luck finding a dentist, if you are so worried about your gums you really do need to get it all looked at sooner rather than later. You will regret putting things off, believe me I do and so do many others here.

 

[calypso]

Patti:

As for the dentist, I'm not sure why I'm afraid? Probably the fear of the unknown. That and I had friends in high school who spent their formative years in a dentist chair and I must have heard their dramatic horror stories. Then again, back then (70's/80s) dentistry wasn't like it is now. We have much better stuff now. With the 2 fillings I've had and the extraction I can honestly say I never felt any pain. Yet... still afraid. I don't even understand myself sometimes!

I was thinking about when I really started doing the "avoidance dance." I remember that in the late 80's, a co-worker of mine came to work after being absent for a day or two and told us about her dental work. She'd had her gums "split open" and everything underneath cleaned she'd said. She opened her mouth and showed us the stitches - ugly black stitches in her gums. Later on she had to go throw up. I think all of that freaked me out. That's the only thing I can think of that may have made me afraid to go to the dentist. As I said, growing up, I went to all dental appointments, but the pediatric dentist would always tell me that I had a "perfect mouth." I had four baby teeth pulled because the adult teeth were coming in behind them. I had a temporary spacer put in. That doesn't give me bad memories at all. I had a filling done as a teenager, and that doesn't give me bad feelings. In fact, that dentist only had me come back every year-and-a-half because there was nothing ever wrong. I never even developed wisdom teeth. No buds at all. No need for braces. So the "take them for granted" thing with me must have started early on because those years-and-a-half stretched to four when I went off to university, then somehow to nine and now twelve. I suppose I am lucky to have pretty good teeth, if not gums.

Of course when I went to the dentist twelve years ago, I did not like the attitude or the comment by the hygenist that I did not have a lot of plaque but what I had was calcified and she couldn't claim the teeth were clean - what was I paying for then? - nor when the dentist came in and said, after the comment about having little chance of cavities, that when we took x-rays next time that if he had to come back in it would not be good news. Scare me much?

I know that when someone comes to see me and is embarrassed about their lack of attention to their skincare or their appearance and want help, I'm not going to tell them they are ugly and I can't help them, nor am I going to berate them about their skincare regimen, or lack thereof, or their makeup skills. (Yes, I know this is kind of a silly analogy but it is about consideration, care, professionalism and service.) The woman who said "Ewww" to you, Patti, was immature and I'm glad you realized that she was rather an insensitive clod, but there again is my fear of being judged and being told things are dire and then being talked about after I leave (yes, the latter is irrational).

Currently, I have no dental insurance. My general health insurance is quite expensive. Those I know who don't have dental insurance have talked about their cleanings costing $120-$200 alone. I think when I went it was about $80 and I had insurance then - he just wasn't on the program I had but I'd been to him in the past and so thought I'd just start back with him. My work has cut hours so I'm working about 4-5 hours a week less and my rent has increased so I'm already cutting back on expenses.

Thanks to all for your support. I'm hoping to get a grip on things. Reading about others experiences has been helpful. Seeing some of the Before/After photos has begun to put things in perspective for me.

 

[Patti]

Hi Calypso,

I can't recall (although I'm sure my subconscious does) any real horror stories I've heard growing up that would have given me my phobia but I'm sure I did. Most of my friends had braces. Other than that, the dental experience I did have were all okay. (All 3 of them.) Even the scariest one--the extraction--went smoothly and I felt no pain.

Actually, that's all my phobia is, really. The anticipation of feeling pain. I don't care about the shots or laying back in the chair, smells, sounds, tools in my mouth, none of that. It's just the anticipation that I may feel pain during a procedure--even though that hasn't even happened yet.

I think right now my biggest thing is all in my head. I am fearing the worst and I know I shouldn't, really. I keep thinking because I haven't gone to a dentist, I must have (and deserve to have) some major problems going on. The dentist didn't seem to think so when he examined me. Problems, but not big ones. Hopefully the x-rays will say the same. Like my dentist said, some people are just blessed with good genes for strong bones and teeth. I can say that I have never broken a bone in my life.

As for what that dental assistant said to me at my old dentist's office--she was definitely out of line and what I thought was worse was that the dentist was standing right there when she said it and never corrected her. But the biggest thing for me about the last dentist was that I got the impression that she either didn't have the time for me or didn't want to deal with someone like me. She just stood there watching me hyperventilate and said nothing to me. She knew what I was afraid of and never asked me why I was afraid or told me there was no reason to be. She just let me hyperventilate. That was wrong!

The only thing I'll give her credit for was telling me she saw other "issues" in my mouth upon a "quick look." At first I was upset with her making such an open statement (for me to obsess about) but in retrospect it may have been the kick in the pants I needed--to solve the problems while they are small instead of waiting until they are emergencies and I'm sitting in a dentist's office hyperventilating. Hopefully I haven't waited too long!

The appointment for my x-rays is Monday. (I thought it was the 13th but I looked at the appointment card wrong! (Yes, I feel like I'm losing my mind!) I felt MUCH BETTER after my initial consultation visit, then the anxiety came back and now for some reason, I'm feeling much calmer? Truthfully, I really keep thinking the worst and my mind refuses to process any of the positives. That and I keep worrying that there will be too much and it'll overwhelm me.

I have no dental insurance either. I will have to just get an estimate and pay as I go. What else can I do? And to think that back in my 30's I had a very good full coverage dental plan that I never used ONCE.

I really hope you find a dentist soon so things don't get any worse for you. They really may not be as bad as you think they are!

 

[calypso]

I've never been afraid talking about the dentist. In fact, I'm always interested in things "dental." I'm one of those people who visits Dr. Google quite frequently for a lot of things. At work yesterday, as I've been inquiring about dentists and a few people know I had a toothache, one of my co-workers - a woman in her very late 60's and whom I've known for years - has talked about having to go to the dentist every three months for cleanings. I was curious. We talked a little and she eventually told me that at one point in her life she did not go to the dentist for 15 years. I asked her why and she told me it was because she had two kids in orthdontics and a husband who had gum troubles who went all the time so perhaps it was due to expense or time. I asked if she was nervous when she finally went and she said "yes." She told me she had to have a lot of work done then - root canals, crowns. Another woman I work with I have talked to about dental issues. She has problems with her gums and teeth. She has had extractions, bridges, root canals and problems with receding gums and did not go regularly - but more along the lines of not going for a couple of years. She, too, is in her late 60's. It helps to know that there are people who have problems and that not everyone has perfect, beautiful teeth and healthy gums. I am, however, beginning to think I am the only one with periodontitis, or as I refer to it, my secret shame.

I looked at pictures of gums and teeth with advanced periodontitis and thought - mine don't look like that -HOWEVER, my gums definitely have problems and I do have calculus below the gumline. Last night, the gum around the tooth that had a toothache a week or so ago-and still has not felt back to normal and hurts when I waterpick into the space - bled a good bit when I really brushed around it. I can see some black calculus (googled it) in the back just at the gum level. It wasn't there before so I'm guessing that the gum receded back there when I had this infection between the teeth and this is what was underneath. This morning, though the tooth is feeling better and more "normal." The upper back molar may have that sort of calculus, or it may be a cavity. The gum up there is not good, though. It does have an infection. Although I don't really have bad breath (I've asked), when I run my tongue on the back gum, it comes off with a sticky, foul smelling gunk. (Gross, I know.)

It seems that so many dentists I've researched here are "into" creating the "perfect smile." I live in a city where "glamour" is bigtime and in a profession where there is a big emphasis on appearance. In fact, one of those co-workers I mentioned told me that the dentist noted that she had said nothing about anything to do with "her smile" when she filled out the paperwork questionaire. The before and after pictures generally seem to be people who don't have much wrong and then come out with really white, really tight-looking teeth, as if this is the most important thing. It's intimidating.

Sorry for rambling on, but I'm a writer and it helps to get this out. It's a shame I have carried for several years. Thanks.

 

[Steve In Cleveland]

There's no reason in my past that would cause me to have this fear... Somewhere along the lines it was just that I dropped the ball... Now I feel stupid, ashamed and embarrassed. I don't want to be looked at or treated as someone ignorant of proper dental care.

I hope that one of the things you will find from the forum here is that dental phobia sees to affect people from all walks of life and social strata. My teeth are a complete mess (but getting better!) and yet I'm an otherwise successful professional, educated, etc, with dental insurance that I never used. I even had a whole lot of dental work down fifteen years ago, so I know it's not painful. Basically I have no excuse for not going, and yet...

What I'm learning about phobias is that they are completely irrational. There may be some root cause like a childhood experience (or maybe from another life, who knows?) but I've come to look at my dental phobia as a condition I just... have.

The other thing I'm finding is the huge gap between what I feel other people notice about me, and what people actually notice. I feel that surely people must notice my broken, yellow teeth. But when I tell very close friends that I'm finally getting my teeth fixed up, they all say, "Is there something wrong with your teeth?" The current condition of your teeth/gums, and the fact that you're having procedures done (if you decide to do so) isn't actually something anyone needs to know about, because they probably won't notice unless you tell them.

My big fear is what the dentist will tell me... I think it's also that I just think it means I'm a failure... I guess it's pretty stupid to be afraid of what they will tell me.

I can completely identify with this! One of my biggest fears was just hearing the diagnosis, and then of being perceived as somehow defective for neglecting something so basic as going to the dentist. I've recently gotten better (thanks in part to this group! and in part to a private therapist) at not getting down on myself so much. It sounds like you're otherwise doing okay in life, and as you mentioned, there are plenty of people out there with way worse teeth/gums than you. Hopefully by reading some of the stories here, you'll gain some comfort from knowing that not everyone who neglects their teeth is a "loser" or a "failure", and that you're certainly not alone.

I hope I will get myself to be brave like so many of you and visit the dentist.

Good luck, you'll get there! Congrats on sharing your story with us-- I think you'll find this a supportive and non-judging community, and many of us are or have been in the same boat. Just putting your story out there is a huge step though, so good job!

As others have mentioned, the next step is to research and communicate with dentists to find one who's compassionate and able to work with phobics. Don't be dissuaded by whatever they list as their "standard" new patient procedures. Talk to the dentist and tell them about your phobia, and you shouldn't be required to go through any of these things if you're not ready. I was afraid that as soon as I walked into the dentist, they'd make me go through a full cleaning or want to work on other teeth besides the one I was having trouble with. My new dentist has allowed me to stay in complete control of what gets done and when. She'll recommend certain things but is not pushy when I say, "I'm not ready for that yet." Finding a compassionate dentist and establishing good communication about your fears is a great next step towards putting your fears to rest. And I can tell you it feels so much better to get past that point and be able to have facts about what treatment you need, instead of your wild imagination...

Welcome, and good luck!

 

[calypso]

The other thing I'm finding is the huge gap between what I feel other people notice about me, and what people actually notice. I feel that surely people must notice my broken, yellow teeth. But when I tell very close friends that I'm finally getting my teeth fixed up, they all say, "Is there something wrong with your teeth?" The current condition of your teeth/gums, and the fact that you're having procedures done (if you decide to do so) isn't actually something anyone needs to know about, because they probably won't notice unless you tell them.

True. People see my teeth and think they look good. My gums look pink when I smile. My teeth, while not blindingly-white, are straight and more ivory. In some ways, I think society is hung-up on the Hollywood smile. I work in the beauty industry and have noticed that people's smiles are becoming increasingly generic and very fake-looking. What 60+ year old naturally has that brilliant, blindingly-white smile with absolutely perfect teeth. Frankly, it looks weird to see that.

I can completely identify with this! One of my biggest fears was just hearing the diagnosis, and then of being perceived as somehow defective for neglecting something so basic as going to the dentist. I've recently gotten better (thanks in part to this group! and in part to a private therapist) at not getting down on myself so much. It sounds like you're otherwise doing okay in life, and as you mentioned, there are plenty of people out there with way worse teeth/gums than you. Hopefully by reading some of the stories here, you'll gain some comfort from knowing that not everyone who neglects their teeth is a "loser" or a "failure", and that you're certainly not alone.

The sad thing is that I developed this phobia over the past five or six years after my gums started acting up. Stepping up the home dental care helped with the gingivitis but not with the abscesses, which I let go, in a couple of teeth. I don't think they were due to actual decay but more to the periodontal issue.

 

[calypso]

Well, here I am again. Have I gone yet? No, but I wanted to update all you kind people here. I discovered the other day that I have two small cavities in one back molar on the bottom. These do not worry me. I am worried about my gums. They have recession and over a few of them on one side I can clearly see tartar/calculus and there is swelling in that quadrant. So I do have to go, if only to get the cavities filled (I've only had one in my life and that was as a teenager) and to get deep cleaning and the abscessed tooth (or teeth) checked.

I am actually working up the nerve to call a dentist. I found one I thought I might like, who seemed to have experience with phobic or anxious patients, but when I read his website it seemed that he did too much at his practice. It made me question as to how focused he was. I have found another one that I may call. It does not say he does gum work, however, but does say he and his staff have experience working with people who have not seen a dentist in years or who have had painful experiences, etc.

I realized that I am not afraid of the procedures or the pain. I'm just afraid of the exam and the results, along with being embarrassed and feeling I have something really wrong.

I have a friend (who now has dentures) tell me to look at it this way: I am the paying customer. I don't have to be there. It's a choice. There are many dentists out there and they should be practicing customer service and not driving their customers away. She said I do not have to do everything they say because it's my wallet. I can do what I feel comfortable with and can afford to do. The other thing she told me is that "Who cares what they privately think about you or your situation, if they even do. They are medical professionals and you are little more than a patient. It's their job. You are giving them too much power over you. You don't know them. You don't socialize with them. You don't work with them. You don't know people they know. Do you think they going to pick up a megaphone and annouce to everyone in the waiting room or call everyone they know and say "Do you know that Calypso hasn't been to the dentist in twelve years and she has XYZ.
Isn't that disgusting?"

I actually have two customers who are dental hygenists at a clinic near my work. I like them but I do not want to go there because I want to keep the distance. I don't want them to know my dental situation. Oddly, everyone says I have a "nice smile" because my issues are in the back or around the gumline so it's hidden under my lips. I'm just afraid they can't help me because it has been so long.

 

[shamrockerin]

What I'm learning about phobias is that they are completely irrational

This couldn't be more true, Steve.

When I started telling a few people about my phobia, I was surprised to learn about other people's weird fears.

One of my classmates is incredibly afraid of snakes. Our grad program is Children's Literature, and she cannot stand even looking at picture books which contain illustrations of snakes! It makes me feel not quite as stupid, because I don't even like to look at the dentist's office building as I drive by it. I just look at the other side of the street.

Likewise, my brother is a volunteer fireman. he goes into burning buildings, has been at horrific car accident scenes, and has even seen people stop breathing and die. Yet, he will not get on a rollercoaster at an amusement park.

A phobia is not an indicator of of economic standing or education or intellect, it's just there.

 

[blackhound]

Hi Calypso,

I'm not a medical/dental professional, just speaking from my own experience with gum disease.

From my understanding, once you have periodontitis? You have it forever. You can treat it and corral it, but it needs regular professional care and attention or it will continue to progress. Outside of the obvious nasty business of having bacteria and infection under your gums, the disease erodes the bone in your jaw. If it goes unchecked it will eventually cause your teeth to loosen and need extraction because there will be an insufficient amount of bone to support them.

I understand completely the aversion to having your gums inspected. The perio exam with the hygenist charting out the pockets and calling out the numbers is like a Walk of Shame. I just had this done about 3 weeks ago. Fortunately it wasn't a total disaster. I have some pockets that need treating on the back molars (upper and lower) and in concert with the root planing and scaling, those pockets will be treated with Arestin.

I had the Arestin therapy in the past before my phobia kicked into high gear and I stopped having dental care. I can tell you that for me? It worked really well. The pockets just closed up and there was a significant reduction in the pocket depth.

I guess my point is this -- I understand the shame and the fear but the worst thing you can do with gum disease is not address it.



BH

 

[calypso]

Thank you, blackhound. I think it is the "Walk of Shame" that I fear. I suppose I could tell the hygenist not to call out the numbers. I'm glad to hear that the cleaning and therapy helped you. That is good to know. I have some pockets that are deeper and of concern to me, but they are in the back. I think I can feel about four. Any other recession may be age-related or from vigorous brushing at some points or from tartar under the gum.