referral idea

[shamrockerin]

Hi all, my last post here detailed my most recent dental phobia episode. In short, I went to a new office for a filling. Although I hadn't gotten the best vibe from them before, I decided to try anyways and give the actual Dr. a chance (because I hadn't really met him yet, and had mostly interacted with the hygienists and office personnel).

Anyways, I discussed it with the therapist I've been working with and he was disappointed that it didn't go well- he knows how much of a struggle it is for me to try new dental/medical offices and trying to build up trust, etc. He knows a dentist and asked if I'd like a referral to the one he knows. I'm willing to speak up for myself about my anxiety (indeed- I told this past office several times about it, and they just didn't seem to get it) but he suggested that a referral might help the dentist understand that it's a real issue, and not just a case of the usual "well no one likes the dentist" etc.

It makes me self-conscious to think of them conferring about me though. Like, am I really that crazy? On the one hand, maybe it's worth it because this past office had some excellent customer reviews, but I don't think any of those people suffer from dental phobia. The office is probably fine for people who have no fear or maybe just the usual degree of anxiety, but they certainly didn't seem interested in working with me. So maybe a referral would help the dentist understand right off the bat that it's more than usual nerves. . .but the idea of them discussing me makes me feel like a freak who can't handle her own problems.

Has anyone else had help from a therapist when finding a dentist? My usual methods (research, customer reviews, etc) failed me last time and it's exhausting and frustrating to go through this process again and again with offices that aren't helpful.

 

[Tink]

Hi -

I think it's an excellent idea! If you trust your therapist and his judgement, then go for it!

I have worked with a dentist and therapist together, kind of (actually they're both dentists, but one is my dentist while the other is in a role that is much closer to therapist) - it's been very helpful as all 3 of us have been able to work together to find the best way to help. It helps that they know each other and can each bring their own set of skills.

If this is something that would help you, that's OK. It doesn't make you a freak - and lots of people need support to handle things, there's really no shame in that at all. If anything, I would say what you are doing here is going in search of solutions to your problems instead of running away from them, which is something to be proud of x

Don't let shame stand in the way of getting what you need

 

[Matt R73]

I totally agree with Tink. Sounds like a great plan.

 

[shamrockerin]

My therapist says this dentist is really nice, but I've heard stuff like that before about other dentists.

And maybe they are super nice and great to most people, but I know I'm like the equivalent of an injured, snarling animal when I first enter a dental office. I just don't trust them (to take me seriously, not cause pain and not worsen my shame). It doesn't mean it's impossible, I just need to see that someone is genuinely interested in helping.

I just hate to think what a dentist would think when someone is referred by a therapist, like "Oh, this woman is so miserable and on edge that she'll barely make eye contact with me? Yes, I'd love to have her as a patient!"

I have a few weeks until I see my therapist again so I guess I'll keep thinking it over- I was just curious what you all thought about the idea.

 

[Matt R73]

I'm 100% certain they won't think anything of it. I'm guessing if you visit a new dentist you would explain your anxiety, worry and phobia anyway, so your therapist referring you is no different really. It would hopefully help them understand even more.

 

[Tink]

I just hate to think what a dentist would think when someone is referred by a therapist, like "Oh, this woman is so miserable and on edge that she'll barely make eye contact with me? Yes, I'd love to have her as a patient!"

I know a couple of dentists who really like helping those patients and get a real lift from seeing us gradually gain confidence as they earn our trust. Honestly, I promise they exist.

The thing is, you don't know what the dentist is going to think when they get that referral. But your head has it in for you so is telling you that their perceptions will definitely be negative, because that's how you see yourself. It's just not *true* though.

Take some time to think it over - but please do give serious thought to giving them a chance! Let them decide what they think of you, they might just surprise you.

 

[shamrockerin]

I know a couple of dentists who really like helping those patients and get a real lift from seeing us gradually gain confidence as they earn our trust. Honestly, I promise they exist.

The thing is, you don't know what the dentist is going to think when they get that referral. But your head has it in for you so is telling you that their perceptions will definitely be negative, because that's how you see yourself. It's just not *true* though.

Take some time to think it over - but please do give serious thought to giving them a chance! Let them decide what they think of you, they might just surprise you.

I know they exist. I had one before he retired. He was great. I don't think I ever told him about the shame problem, but he seemed to sense it because whenever I saw him he made a point of saying how nice my teeth are, instead of just jumping into whatever work needed to get done. Even when I went in with my broken crown that was rotted under the gumline, he took a quick look, and then brought me into his office to talk. He also understood that being in the chair is intimidating.

I just haven't had the best luck since that dentist (or before him).

 

[Tink]

I know x

With this new one that's being suggested - you'll never get to find out if he could have been the right one for you unless you go and see him. If it turns out that he's not, and he doesn't get it, then you can leave. You don't have to stick with him, it's totally fine to say "thanks but no thanks".

But to find that one - the one that's like that dentist you had before - you have to go and see them that first time.

I honestly think that the odds are better with one that is recommended by your therapist and has a bit of a head start on knowing what to expect and an understanding of your needs.

 

[shamrockerin]

I know you're right Tink. I know I should give this idea a chance. I just have this terrible suspicion in my head that there are some dentists who are perfectly fine, and I just frustrate them too much and bring out the worst in them. Everyone always raved about our childhood dentist: how nice he was was, how great he was, etc. and it was never like that for me.

 

[Tink]

I just have this terrible suspicion in my head that there are some dentists who are perfectly fine, and I just frustrate them too much and bring out the worst in them.

I think what you're probably seeing there, is dentists who are perfectly fine with patients who are not phobic, or who just experience the usual levels of anxiety - but they don't have the extra skills needed to support people like us. That's not your fault, at all, it just means that they're not the right person to help you.

 

[FearfulInMA]

I also think it's not a bad idea to give it a shot - you never know unless you try.

We phobics are all so different in terms of what we need. I know that my dentist would not be a great fit for many phobic patients because he jokes around a lot and is very matter-of-fact about things. That REALLY works well for me, but I know it wouldn't for everyone (or even most phobic patients). That said, I have also been able to be very clear about what is helpful - not seeing needles, not having a play-by-play, etc. I think identifying and then relaying this information offers me the best shot at having an experience that doesn't make me run screaming.

 

[shamrockerin]

That said, I have also been able to be very clear about what is helpful - not seeing needles, not having a play-by-play, etc. I think identifying and then relaying this information offers me the best shot at having an experience that doesn't make me run screaming.

I'm able to talk about the stuff that helps me too, but I guess I just need a little bit of an invitation first. I don't like wasting my time telling all that stuff to someone who doesn't care or isn't going to try to help. If I can tell that the dentist genuinely wants to know how to help, then I don't mind telling him things like I don't like seeing all the tools, and I don't like looking at my teeth in mirrors/intraoral camera, etc.

I just need to feel comfortable enough to start talking about it first.

 

[Haunted]

I'm able to talk about the stuff that helps me too, but I guess I just need a little bit of an invitation first. I don't like wasting my time telling all that stuff to someone who doesn't care or isn't going to try to help. If I can tell that the dentist genuinely wants to know how to help, then I don't mind telling him things like I don't like seeing all the tools, and I don't like looking at my teeth in mirrors/intraoral camera, etc.

I just need to feel comfortable enough to start talking about it first.

Gosh, do NOT let them make you feel ashamed! This is their well paid job and they got to deliver. Don't like phobic patients? Then please HINT this on your webpage and do not go at length about how you want to help them. Do such service to society.

To the topic: I think it is a good idea to get a referral from your therapist. Try his dentist slowly, just even talk to him and see. Either it finishes up great, OR the therapist would get to see how his own idea went wrong and thus it would bring him a better understanding of what's going on.

 

[shamrockerin]

I talked to my husband about this last night, too, and he also thinks it's a good idea. I know that it is too, I think it's just some sort of stubborn pride that's getting in the mix. Like, I don't want someone to have to refer me because I should be able to find a place on my own and go in there and advocate for myself. I don't want the dentist to get the referral and think that he's going to have to treat me like a baby.

I guess I'm also just a little paranoid about what they would say about me. My therapist has always been very professional and supportive but there's this little part of me that thinks "Well even if he's really nice to your face, there's probably a little part of him that think you're a freak".

 

[Tink]

Either it finishes up great, OR the therapist would get to see how his own idea went wrong and thus it would bring him a better understanding of what's going on.

This is an excellent point!

I talked to my husband about this last night, too, and he also thinks it's a good idea. I know that it is too, I think it's just some sort of stubborn pride that's getting in the mix. Like, I don't want someone to have to refer me because I should be able to find a place on my own and go in there and advocate for myself. I don't want the dentist to get the referral and think that he's going to have to treat me like a baby.

I guess I'm also just a little paranoid about what they would say about me. My therapist has always been very professional and supportive but there's this little part of me that thinks "Well even if he's really nice to your face, there's probably a little part of him that think you're a freak".

That doesn't sound like pride to me, it sounds like low self-esteem. "I should be able to" is just another way of blaming yourself. There's no "should" about it, you need what you need.

 

[shamrockerin]

That doesn't sound like pride to me, it sounds like low self-esteem. "I should be able to" is just another way of blaming yourself. There's no "should" about it, you need what you need.

Yikes, Tink! That's almost dangerously insightful. But I'll admit that it's true.

 

[Tink]

Takes one to know one, as they say

I'm very prone to that sort of thinking myself x

 

[Tink]

...although I am tempted to use "dangerously insightful" as my sig now!