C
Charlibeau
Junior member
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2018
- Messages
- 5
- Location
- Lancashire
Hi everyone, this is my first post here and the first time I've ever confided in anyone about my phobia. I don't really know where to start, I'm really suicidal and for me to write this is me trying to help myself basically ask for help I think.
I'm so mortified as there is nobody I know who can relate or if they do have a phobia their teeth aren't anywhere nearly in a bad state as mine are (I'm cringing just typing this).
I'm 36, married and have three children, my husband loves me no matter what but my brain constantly tells me it's rubbish and he will one day be so revolted by my appearance he will leave. I have never had a perfect smile, crooked teeth as my mouth is very narrow my dentist as a child refused to give me a brace, and did dental work without pain relief as he told me I was a small percent of patients who pain relief doesn't work for. I grew terrified then but it really stems from my anxiety as a child, my mother is a narcissist and growing up with her as her target out of two other younger sisters was horrific, she would tear me down constantly, terrify me about all sorts, she would laugh with my sisters if they said I had put on weight, she never once in her life told me I was pretty, beautiful even as a person and she couldn't be bothered to teach me about oral hygiene or help me with anything like that, her life revolved around her and my youngest sister, I met my husband when I was 18 and he showed me there was another world out there other then the one she trapped me in, which was terrifying as well as exciting, she disowned me for being with him and kept me away from my family with smear campaigns, it broke my heart. I got pregnant and she tried to rule my life again once my son was born, I ended up nearly taking my own life at 22 with a baby and a partner who was out his debt with all of this ( I can't blame him he was only 23 himself) I went to counselling and then I was shown that the problem wasn't me it was my mum, after that I felt like I could see for the first time, like the scene in the movie the Truman show when everything clicks into place, what he thought his life was, was in fact lies his family had deceived him. I then started with severe anxiety and this is when the self loathing started badly, no matter what my husband said to me I wouldn't believe him, he told me I was beautiful, I didn't believe him, I stopped taking care of myself, I started to suffer insomnia which having a child led to extreme tiredness, I would make up for it by drinking high caffeine drinks like redbull and then coke to keep me going, I got addicted and that with the neglect was like a permanent vicious circle, It got so bad I was in pain with my teeth and went to a emergency dentist who said I was in such a bad state they would sedate me so I went and had teeth removed, they asked me to come back for treatment but I would never come, only in sever emergencies. I've had infections in my teeth for months (not painful just lumps) and my teeth are falling out, have huge holes, rotting and the lady straw was the other day I bit something and part of the middle of my front tooth fell out, I now have a gap at the bottom of them. I keep saying to myself I can't do this anymore, I am a embarrassment to my kids, to my husband, my friends don't see me anymore as I make excuses, I keep thinking I've crossed the line and it's too late to go back, life is over and it sounds so shallow but I grew up hearing nothing but negativity said to me and I'm sure it's my mum's voice I really here constantly. I'm too embarrassed to ask for help, I was raised to not bring shame, I was also told that people will smile at you and pretend to listen to you but deep down they are judging you. I feel like the loneliest person in the world even in a crowded room. I'm absolutely mortified writing all this down as my stomach is in knots but after trying to dial Samaritan's and not having the guts to speak to someone and not dare tell me gp, I don't have a clue how to get off this vicious circle of hell. My grandad committed suicide when he was in his 40s and other people in the family did too, I'm terrified this will catch me too. I'm so sorry for this incredibly long rant. I just have no idea how to get help.
I'm so mortified as there is nobody I know who can relate or if they do have a phobia their teeth aren't anywhere nearly in a bad state as mine are (I'm cringing just typing this).
I'm 36, married and have three children, my husband loves me no matter what but my brain constantly tells me it's rubbish and he will one day be so revolted by my appearance he will leave. I have never had a perfect smile, crooked teeth as my mouth is very narrow my dentist as a child refused to give me a brace, and did dental work without pain relief as he told me I was a small percent of patients who pain relief doesn't work for. I grew terrified then but it really stems from my anxiety as a child, my mother is a narcissist and growing up with her as her target out of two other younger sisters was horrific, she would tear me down constantly, terrify me about all sorts, she would laugh with my sisters if they said I had put on weight, she never once in her life told me I was pretty, beautiful even as a person and she couldn't be bothered to teach me about oral hygiene or help me with anything like that, her life revolved around her and my youngest sister, I met my husband when I was 18 and he showed me there was another world out there other then the one she trapped me in, which was terrifying as well as exciting, she disowned me for being with him and kept me away from my family with smear campaigns, it broke my heart. I got pregnant and she tried to rule my life again once my son was born, I ended up nearly taking my own life at 22 with a baby and a partner who was out his debt with all of this ( I can't blame him he was only 23 himself) I went to counselling and then I was shown that the problem wasn't me it was my mum, after that I felt like I could see for the first time, like the scene in the movie the Truman show when everything clicks into place, what he thought his life was, was in fact lies his family had deceived him. I then started with severe anxiety and this is when the self loathing started badly, no matter what my husband said to me I wouldn't believe him, he told me I was beautiful, I didn't believe him, I stopped taking care of myself, I started to suffer insomnia which having a child led to extreme tiredness, I would make up for it by drinking high caffeine drinks like redbull and then coke to keep me going, I got addicted and that with the neglect was like a permanent vicious circle, It got so bad I was in pain with my teeth and went to a emergency dentist who said I was in such a bad state they would sedate me so I went and had teeth removed, they asked me to come back for treatment but I would never come, only in sever emergencies. I've had infections in my teeth for months (not painful just lumps) and my teeth are falling out, have huge holes, rotting and the lady straw was the other day I bit something and part of the middle of my front tooth fell out, I now have a gap at the bottom of them. I keep saying to myself I can't do this anymore, I am a embarrassment to my kids, to my husband, my friends don't see me anymore as I make excuses, I keep thinking I've crossed the line and it's too late to go back, life is over and it sounds so shallow but I grew up hearing nothing but negativity said to me and I'm sure it's my mum's voice I really here constantly. I'm too embarrassed to ask for help, I was raised to not bring shame, I was also told that people will smile at you and pretend to listen to you but deep down they are judging you. I feel like the loneliest person in the world even in a crowded room. I'm absolutely mortified writing all this down as my stomach is in knots but after trying to dial Samaritan's and not having the guts to speak to someone and not dare tell me gp, I don't have a clue how to get off this vicious circle of hell. My grandad committed suicide when he was in his 40s and other people in the family did too, I'm terrified this will catch me too. I'm so sorry for this incredibly long rant. I just have no idea how to get help.