Well, I had a talk with someone at work, nothing about dental, just the general situation. They said that apparently I've been acting worse than what I thought I was, and even people in other departments have been asking if anything was wrong with me. Apparently I was slurring words, falling asleep multiple times, we even keep a book of patients coming in and out (work in a hospital), and on a couple of the days I was writing completely different, almost not legible at all, scrawling lines from one name to the other, all over the page.....I didn't think it had got that bad.
It's all good though, honestly they're just worried about me as I've worked there for 7 years now, so I suppose I built up a lot of credit in a way because it's a complete 180. They were asking if anything was going on, if there's anything they can do to help or any services that they could provide, and honestly in my head I was thinking ''don't go to work on Ambien and Pregablin and then take more after lunch because you think it's losing effect". I brushed it off as just no sleep at all due to stress build up from my separation, and general things; my mother died 18 months ago and my sisters back home and are going a bit off the rails so I'm doing my best there, and I kind of dropped that in a little. Add the dental to this list and I guess it would be justified.
I suppose - excuse the pun - but it's a bit of a wake up call. Honestly on the dental side of things this one tooth is just bothering me to the point I genuinely want to tear it out. It's the one she didn't skip a beat in being able to save, just needs a large filling, and it's there on my paperwork. It's not even pain really, it's just the awareness that it's there, it's kind of like the feeling of having something stuck between your teeth, and it's so annoying you just want rid of it. But 24/7 and you can't get to it. My tongue and cheek is constantly running over it. Worse of all is just knowing that it's damaged, and that I still can't routinely make myself eat one side, so obviously it's been ''used'', as best I try prevent it.
With that I just feel so dirty around people, like an exposed wound just sat there festering, and I can't bandage it nor do anything with it (well, ultimately 12 of them, but plenty are small). In fact, even if it's imperceptible, they're actually getting worse. 8 more days. I don't even know what we're tackling first, I think I'm going to say please do this one first, even if it means waiting for the smaller or more "cosmetic" ones, or if there's a certain way she wants to tackle things in regards to numbing and what areas to go for, because I can't go another month with this, or however long the appointments are going to take. She said with my dental anxiety it's best we start small and maybe 1 or 2 fillings, but on the contrary while I love the sentiment and the recognition of my anxiety, I'd rather just get this done and as much done as possible each time.
I've reached that point where the general irritation, fear of more damage, actual recognition of my problems and facing them head on, all of that now completely overwhelms my anxiety. I'm like an injured wild animal who avoids any human contact, but the fear or instinct to run is defeated by the fact they almost acknowledge that the human wants to help. Or it seems that way when you see it. Funny metaphor and I'm sure we've all seen those videos, but that's exactly how I feel. Just put me on the chair, numb me up, and you can do basically anything to me.
I'm sorry this turned a bit heavy and wordy, but I suppose at this point I'm using it to vent and to potentially help anyone else who maybe in a similar boat.